I had a stalker once. Scared the shit out of me when I found out about it. I thought I was careful. But he got to me anyway. But he's in jail for a few more years...
Ow I think I have another. Confirmed by moi the other night.
It's my ex.
I was wondering why he was following me and not going home when I dropped off the kids. I pulled into the liquor store and he roared by.
So he tells me today that I need to be giving him money and not spending it at the liquor store. Funny. I got reimbursed for my ppurchase at the store. Gotta love assumptions and conclusions.
And there's been other tidbits that he or someone is watching me and Finn. He's been told when I spend the night in town. He found out when I got pulled over for having a light out.
And I know he cyber-stalks me. He will say things to me that I've only mentioned online. He'll tell me he heard it from a "friend". Funny, most everyone I talk to onlinr can't stand him, so its no one I know.
I don't appreciate being watched and having tabs kept on me. Restraining orders aren't all that difficult to obtain. Just sayin.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Proud
I am a proud mommy today.
Princess forgot her beloved blankie at her daddy's house yesterday. In over five years, she has not slept with out it.
Last night, she went into her suitcase and discovered the blankie wasn't there. She didn't even cry. And she went to bed without it. And went to sleep. Without tears for her blankie.
My little Princess is growing up.
Princess forgot her beloved blankie at her daddy's house yesterday. In over five years, she has not slept with out it.
Last night, she went into her suitcase and discovered the blankie wasn't there. She didn't even cry. And she went to bed without it. And went to sleep. Without tears for her blankie.
My little Princess is growing up.
Making Sense of Things
I was reading a friend's blog post from over this past summer. Seems he was going through some personal changes. And it got me thinking. He speaks of an internal struggle with his ego and id. Gee. That sounds familiar.
There are times that I really wonder if all that I've been through these last months is worth it. I'm living apart from my children. I miss them horribly. I don't feel whole unless I'm with them. Its extremely difficult. One of the challenges of life.
To move on with accepting myself, I realize that I must sacrifice. I'm supposing that being apart from my children at this point is a big sacrifice. I wasn't myself for so long. I am now rediscovering who I am. I have also sacrificed the security I felt with my ex. I had a beautiful home. I rarely asked for anything (any material object was given to me without question). But it wasn't enough.
I sacrificed everything I have known for half my life. For what goal?
I often sit and reflect on the decisions that I have made. I made a decision to regain myself. To learn who I am. Who I was. I think I'm finding her. I'm a lot happier than I was this time last year. I feel more comfortable in my own skin. It's such a wonderful feeling to say, "I like this or that" and not feel you have to have acceptance from others. I feel as though I am becoming my own person. I'm becoming stronger day by day.
I know that I have a really good friend to thank for a lot of this. He reminded me that even though I am a mother, I am also me. I am pretty. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am funny. I am lovable. Etc., etc. I was so lost in being a mom and a wife that I had forgotten this. My friend, I am eternally grateful to you for this. I feel I shall never be able to repay you for the gift that you continually give me.
And then I left. Or rather, I was kicked out. But, I'm thankful for that now. I needed that kick in the ass. I wallowed in my sorrow for a few weeks. There was barely a day in which I didn't cry. Then I got a job. I started making my way. And then I met Finn.
In a lot of ways, Finn is like my friend. He pushes me to be me. To be more comfortable with myself. I can truly say that if I happen to stay home at night, all is right with the world. I can read, I can design, I can sew, I can hang with my online friends. And its all good. If I start to get down on myself, Finn makes me see that I'm being silly. He calls me smart. He calls me beautiful. We talk about everything and nothing. We laugh. We share. We've connected.
But, while I don't know where my relationship with Finn is going, I'm enjoying it while I can. In a relationship where two people have serious chronic illnesses, one never knows what will happen from day to day.
And that's another thing that I've really begun to accept. My Crohn's and depression and anxiety. There's not a whole lot I can do about the Crohn's. It's there. It's not going away. There is no cure. But what I can do is live with it. It is part of me. It is a part of who I am. As is the depression and anxiety. The dark cloud still threatens me from time to time, but I'm able to push it away. I haven't had a full on panic attack in a while. I feel as though the more in control I feel over my life, the more control I have on my illnesses.
I feel freer than I have in years. And I don't mean free from responsibility. I still have that. I have myself. I have my children. I mean free from the restraints that I placed on myself. Making myself into the person I thought I was supposed to be rather than the person that I am. I like sewing, dancing, singing, hanging out, my family, my friends, renn faires, short hair, tight jeans, music, reading, fantasy, sci-fi, astrology, cats, ghost stories (even sharing my own), computers, arcade games, Broadway shows, Rocky Horror, Disney. I could go on, but I believe I'll end this post here.
I will revisit this as I see fit. For now, I am searching for the next modification to mark this realization in my life. A branding? A piercing? I want something significant. Something lasting. Something to remind me of the sacrifices I've made and will continue to make in the quest that is life.
There are times that I really wonder if all that I've been through these last months is worth it. I'm living apart from my children. I miss them horribly. I don't feel whole unless I'm with them. Its extremely difficult. One of the challenges of life.
To move on with accepting myself, I realize that I must sacrifice. I'm supposing that being apart from my children at this point is a big sacrifice. I wasn't myself for so long. I am now rediscovering who I am. I have also sacrificed the security I felt with my ex. I had a beautiful home. I rarely asked for anything (any material object was given to me without question). But it wasn't enough.
I sacrificed everything I have known for half my life. For what goal?
I often sit and reflect on the decisions that I have made. I made a decision to regain myself. To learn who I am. Who I was. I think I'm finding her. I'm a lot happier than I was this time last year. I feel more comfortable in my own skin. It's such a wonderful feeling to say, "I like this or that" and not feel you have to have acceptance from others. I feel as though I am becoming my own person. I'm becoming stronger day by day.
I know that I have a really good friend to thank for a lot of this. He reminded me that even though I am a mother, I am also me. I am pretty. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am funny. I am lovable. Etc., etc. I was so lost in being a mom and a wife that I had forgotten this. My friend, I am eternally grateful to you for this. I feel I shall never be able to repay you for the gift that you continually give me.
And then I left. Or rather, I was kicked out. But, I'm thankful for that now. I needed that kick in the ass. I wallowed in my sorrow for a few weeks. There was barely a day in which I didn't cry. Then I got a job. I started making my way. And then I met Finn.
In a lot of ways, Finn is like my friend. He pushes me to be me. To be more comfortable with myself. I can truly say that if I happen to stay home at night, all is right with the world. I can read, I can design, I can sew, I can hang with my online friends. And its all good. If I start to get down on myself, Finn makes me see that I'm being silly. He calls me smart. He calls me beautiful. We talk about everything and nothing. We laugh. We share. We've connected.
But, while I don't know where my relationship with Finn is going, I'm enjoying it while I can. In a relationship where two people have serious chronic illnesses, one never knows what will happen from day to day.
And that's another thing that I've really begun to accept. My Crohn's and depression and anxiety. There's not a whole lot I can do about the Crohn's. It's there. It's not going away. There is no cure. But what I can do is live with it. It is part of me. It is a part of who I am. As is the depression and anxiety. The dark cloud still threatens me from time to time, but I'm able to push it away. I haven't had a full on panic attack in a while. I feel as though the more in control I feel over my life, the more control I have on my illnesses.
I feel freer than I have in years. And I don't mean free from responsibility. I still have that. I have myself. I have my children. I mean free from the restraints that I placed on myself. Making myself into the person I thought I was supposed to be rather than the person that I am. I like sewing, dancing, singing, hanging out, my family, my friends, renn faires, short hair, tight jeans, music, reading, fantasy, sci-fi, astrology, cats, ghost stories (even sharing my own), computers, arcade games, Broadway shows, Rocky Horror, Disney. I could go on, but I believe I'll end this post here.
I will revisit this as I see fit. For now, I am searching for the next modification to mark this realization in my life. A branding? A piercing? I want something significant. Something lasting. Something to remind me of the sacrifices I've made and will continue to make in the quest that is life.
Friday, January 23, 2009
GUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People are probably going to be sick of me by the end of tonight. I am absolutely gushing about Finn. I realized over the last couple of days that I am completely head over heels in like with him. I don't know that it's the other "L" word yet. Either that, or I'm in denial. Nah. I'm not in denial. No way.
Yes, I realize that I have issues with Finn. I'm not used to having a guy make me think for myself. And he frustrates me with his aloof attitude sometimes. But, now that I'm kinda letting my grip on our relationship go a little, I feel that much more relaxed with him. And I think he feels that too.
Last night, I went over and we watched movies. He practically insisted that I watch a Disney movie that I hadn't seen. It was hilarious and touching. And we cuddled the entire time. He made popcorn. We had coffee. He made smores. We cuddled. After two movies, we went to bed and cuddled. Then I had to leave for work at 7:15. And he made sad faces at me leaving. :(
He gave me the extra key to his place.
Oh.my.gawd.
Yes, I realize that I have issues with Finn. I'm not used to having a guy make me think for myself. And he frustrates me with his aloof attitude sometimes. But, now that I'm kinda letting my grip on our relationship go a little, I feel that much more relaxed with him. And I think he feels that too.
Last night, I went over and we watched movies. He practically insisted that I watch a Disney movie that I hadn't seen. It was hilarious and touching. And we cuddled the entire time. He made popcorn. We had coffee. He made smores. We cuddled. After two movies, we went to bed and cuddled. Then I had to leave for work at 7:15. And he made sad faces at me leaving. :(
He gave me the extra key to his place.
Oh.my.gawd.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I Don't Get It
I received more papers along the road of my divorce. They pretty much trashed me. Even pondered my being bi-polar.
Funny thing? I think Xman may be as well.
Earlier this week, he was being nice to me. We were actually talking; discussing things; joking around. I don't know what I did now, but he has done a complete 180.
Our son is sick. I text at every opportunity I can to find out how he's doing. Its like trying to pull teeth getting the information from him. And then, its a problem if I only ask once a day how he's doing. I guess that he doesn't understand that Little Man and Princess are constantly on my mind. I guess I need to text him even when I'm not able to. I guess I need to risk losing my job to constantly text every time I think of my babies.
Fine. If he wants me to text, I will. There are even times I wake in the middle of the night and think of my babies. Even when they're not ill. Guess I'll text him then as well. I hope he's ready for the influx of texts that he's about to get.
Funny thing? I think Xman may be as well.
Earlier this week, he was being nice to me. We were actually talking; discussing things; joking around. I don't know what I did now, but he has done a complete 180.
Our son is sick. I text at every opportunity I can to find out how he's doing. Its like trying to pull teeth getting the information from him. And then, its a problem if I only ask once a day how he's doing. I guess that he doesn't understand that Little Man and Princess are constantly on my mind. I guess I need to text him even when I'm not able to. I guess I need to risk losing my job to constantly text every time I think of my babies.
Fine. If he wants me to text, I will. There are even times I wake in the middle of the night and think of my babies. Even when they're not ill. Guess I'll text him then as well. I hope he's ready for the influx of texts that he's about to get.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Mobile Posting
This is so messed up...I'm sitting at the bar, posting on my blog. Its open mic night, half-price everything (drinks, food). There's even raspberry lambic on tap!
I've almost finished my long island iced tea. I had an order of garlic cheese fries (yum!). And now I'm just hanging.
This is the place I usually hang with a bunch of people on Mondays for karaoke. There's a group of locals that all hang together. We have a lot of fun! My friend convinced me to come out tonight, luring me with the fact that he would treat me to a beer. It was either come out, or hang in the quietness of home. This is kind of nice.
I wish that there were a few other friends here, but that's next to impossible. The problem of having friends scattered all over the country.
But, I raise my glass to you all!
I've almost finished my long island iced tea. I had an order of garlic cheese fries (yum!). And now I'm just hanging.
This is the place I usually hang with a bunch of people on Mondays for karaoke. There's a group of locals that all hang together. We have a lot of fun! My friend convinced me to come out tonight, luring me with the fact that he would treat me to a beer. It was either come out, or hang in the quietness of home. This is kind of nice.
I wish that there were a few other friends here, but that's next to impossible. The problem of having friends scattered all over the country.
But, I raise my glass to you all!
6 Random Facts
I've been tagged to share six random facts about myself by the awesome Samaria Project (http://samariaproject.blogspot.com)
Rules:
- Link to the person who tagged you
- Post the rules on your blog
- Write six random things about yourself
- Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them
- Let each person know they've been tagged
Well, here goes!
- I love music. Of all kinds. Everything from classical and show tunes to heavy metal. I prefer listening to the music over watching TV.
- I have no problem singing along with the radio in the shower, at work, in the car. When asked to go on stage and sing karaoke, I freeze. Even though I've performed on stage when younger.
- I have three tattoos and seven piercings. I got my belly piercing at age 30 and my nose pierced at age 33. And, there's talk of more.
- I quit smoking on July 14, 2008. I have not touched a cigarette since. In fact, being around a smoker makes me feel a little ill.
- I still have my New England accent. Being originally from New Hampshire, I thought I had shed most of it by moving to Jersey. I was wrong. Don't talk to me when I'm upset or tired (or is that ty-ed?).
- I am right handed, but I am able to write with both hands. Legibly.
Whew! That's not easy!
The next suckers, I mean people, will be:
http://rosebushdesigns.blogspot.com/
http://differentbrilliantcolors.blogspot.com/
http://kealalegacycreations.blogspot.com/
http://llorracanit.blogspot.com/
http://yoboseiyo.blogspot.com/
http://debbiemonster.blogspot.com/
*runs off to tell the unsuspecting suckers*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
