Took a Ginormous Leap

So much has changed in my life over the last year and a half...

I was diagnosed as bipolar. I'm now permanently disabled because of it. I've lost my children because of it. I lost another relationship because of it. But it was one I don't think was ever really real. He helped me, but we never were able to be what the other needed. So, we decided it would be best to be friends and nothing more.

I moved.

I took a ginormous leap and moved.

And I'm not talking moving down the street or the next town over.

I packed myself up and moved halfway across the country to be with someone that I never stopped loving.

Yup. I moved halfway across the country to be with Finn.

Me. The one with anxiety problems. The one who has panic attacks in Walmart because there's too many people in the store. The one who pushed almost all friends aside and became mostly a hermit. I boarded a bus on July 5, 2013, and for the next 30 or so hours rode closer to the person who has held my heart for almost five years now.

I came out to visit for a few days at the end of April/beginning of May. I was hit with so many memories, so many emotions. I never expected that. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I came out thinking I was visiting a friend and ended up realizing I was visiting the second half of my heart. All the feelings I had for Finn were still there. All the feelings I tried to suppress while with M. Seeing Finn again, I couldn't deny what I felt. Being in his arms again, I couldn't deny anything. I could no longer deny that I ever stopped loving him. When I left to go back home, I cried. I cried because I knew I was leaving a huge piece of myself behind.

And then I had to tell M all of that. When I told M that I didn't think I ever stopped loving Finn, I could see the crushing blow I had just dealt him. At that point, M and I were no longer a couple...we stopped being a couple in February when he broke up with me while I was in the mental hospital. Actually, it had been longer than that. We were just going through the motions of being a couple for a long time. But he still cared for me, said he still loved me but loved me enough to let go and want me to be happy. It was very freeing to finally allow myself to have the feelings I had kept stifled.

So here I sit at Finn's computer as I type this. He'll be home from work soon. There is no more missing him. There is no more missing waking up next to him. There is no more missing falling asleep next to him. There is no more missing being in his arms, kissing his lips, being one with him. I'm where I belong. Where I've always belonged, but didn't want to admit it. I knew all this three years ago, but couldn't admit it. Our relationship has changed...we will never have what we once did, so we are making new memories as we join our lives together.

So many people go through life without knowing what true love is. What it's like to have someone know you better than you know yourself and vice versa. What it's like to feel whole when you're with another.

I lucked out.

I know what true love is. And I live with it every day of my life now.

Can't Smile Without You ~ Barry Manilow

You know I can't smile without you

I can't smile without you

I can't laugh and I can't sing

I'm finding it hard to do anything

You see I feel sad when you're sad

I feel glad when you're glad

If you only knew what I'm going through

I just can't smile without you

You came along just like a song

And brightened my day

Who would of believed that you were part of a dream

Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can't smile without you

I can't smile without you

I can't laugh and I can't sing

I'm finding it hard to do anything

You see I feel sad when you're sad

I feel glad when you're glad

If you only knew what I'm going through

I just can't smile

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find

Well, I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me

And you see I can't smile without you

I can't smile without you

I can't laugh and I can't sing

I'm finding it hard to do anything

You see I feel glad when you're glad

I feel sad when you're sad

If you only knew what I'm going through

I just can't smile without you

Holding On

So much has happened in the months since I last posted...I talked things over with the man I thought was wrong for me. But, he has shown me that love can have several levels. Understanding is key. Support is essential. And he has shown me understanding and support. He loves me for me. He considers my children like his own. I miss him when we're not together. I look forward to snuggling up in his arms at night.

But while I have a shining light in the darkness, there are shadows lurking. The ex is making things very difficult to keep going. I'm doing the best I can to fulfill my obligations, but no one is hiring at a rate falsely stated in the divorce papers. He never includes me in any decision regarding our children. It feels as though I'm just going in circles. I feel like he's still punishing me for wronging him in our marriage and using our kids as leverage in getting his revenge.

I can't help that I can't get a job making what the court expects me to. My current job is "under no obligation" to hire me full time because of my availability. Which is funny that it's ok for some people to nit be full-flex but full time. And nowhere in the Standard Operating Procedures does it say an employee has to be available on weekends. I'm trying as hard as I can.

And the harder I try, the more I fail.

Thanks to my wonderful immune system, I catch everything that comes around. I'm out sick often. No employer wants that. I'm skating on thin ice because of my disease and absences. One more write up and I'm fired.

I can't win.

My fiancée is working two jobs to pay our bills. Bills I'm not able to help with because the state takes most of my pay for support that was based upon false information. I can't even afford my health insurance. And if I drop it, they consider my meager pay too much to qualify for any help. My paycheck doesn't even cover my gas back and forth to work for two weeks.

I keep trying to hold on for my kids. For my family, but it's so hard...

Missing You

I got to feel the arms of true love around me. I've missed that horribly.

Why am I doing this to myself? Once again in a relationship that isn't fulfilling. Especially when I've got true love at my fingertips...

I think of another at almost every point of my day. Dream of being in his arms. Feel his lips on mine. Hear his laughter and his whispers. Everything I am, he is. The connection is almost palpable. Others can see it. We can feel it. Even apart, we know what the other is thinking, feeling.

How many people can say they've truly found their soul mate? The person that breathes with you. The person whose heart beats in time with yours. The person who fills in where ou fail and rises you up to succeed? I have that just within my reach.

Why am I so afraid to grab it and live a life with him?

Am I already beaten down again to the point that I can't? Is my self-esteem so shattered in such a short time?

I want to run into his arms and never let go....

Again

Fighting again. What a way to begin the day.

This time,we're fighting about my going to Greenwich Village with a male friend to listen to some middle Eastern music and watch some belly dancing. He feels that my friend has intentions of stealing me away from him. That he trusts me but not my friend. To me, it sounds as though he wants me to stay home and do nothing.

I understand how hurt he's been before and why he has trust issues. But he doesn't seem to understand my need to go out on my own. To have my own friends.

Not to toot my own horn, but I'm sure that more than one of my male friends has thought about sleeping with me. He'll, I've thought about it with them. It's a healthy thing. But, being that I'm with someone, I wouldn't act upon that and I know that they wouldn't either.

I feel that he doesn't trust me at all. That he doesn't trust me to say no should things become inappropriate. He says that I can do what I like, but that he's frustrated that I want to do things without him.

I can't have this again. I feel myself slipping because I don't wantto create waves. And I'm fighting with myself not to allow it to happen again.

I feel so alone and so fed up with it all...

Run Away

I want to run away.

Nothing is as it seems. Some days I feel as though the smile on my face is just painted there.

I was out on Wednesday. Met with and hung with someone very special at a truely magical place. Later, a couple friends joined us. It was the first time in a while that I really laughed.

The honeymoon is over. Things aren't as perfect as everyone thinks. I'm reminded a lot of my ex husband. And it scares me. I'm so deep into this relationship that I really think it's too late. Is that possible? Is it ever too late?

I just want to run. Far away. From everything. To a new place where no one knows me....

My Own Worst Enemy

Supposed to be happy, right? I have a wonderful man who gives me everything I want and need.

Why do I feel like something's missing?

I haven't sewn in months. I miss it. I don't really hang out with anyone. I miss it. I miss being with people. I miss so much.

But I put a smile on my face and face each day showing the world that I'm happy because I'm supposed to be right?

Then why am I here at home, alone, watching the best movie I've seen in years, crying and wondering why I'm here at all?

Got sick again. Missed quite a bit of days at my crappy job. Can't seem to get ahead of this flare and it's really getting me down. No one deserves to have to see me like this. I don't deserve to feel like this my kids don't deserve a mother in my condition. My boyfriend and his boys don't deserve to watch this. My family doesn't deserve to watch this. My friends don't deserve it.

Why do I keep going?