Thursday, November 18, 2010

Holding On

So much has happened in the months since I last posted...I talked things over with the man I thought was wrong for me. But, he has shown me that love can have several levels. Understanding is key. Support is essential. And he has shown me understanding and support. He loves me for me. He considers my children like his own. I miss him when we're not together. I look forward to snuggling up in his arms at night.

But while I have a shining light in the darkness, there are shadows lurking. The ex is making things very difficult to keep going. I'm doing the best I can to fulfill my obligations, but no one is hiring at a rate falsely stated in the divorce papers. He never includes me in any decision regarding our children. It feels as though I'm just going in circles. I feel like he's still punishing me for wronging him in our marriage and using our kids as leverage in getting his revenge.

I can't help that I can't get a job making what the court expects me to. My current job is "under no obligation" to hire me full time because of my availability. Which is funny that it's ok for some people to nit be full-flex but full time. And nowhere in the Standard Operating Procedures does it say an employee has to be available on weekends. I'm trying as hard as I can.

And the harder I try, the more I fail.

Thanks to my wonderful immune system, I catch everything that comes around. I'm out sick often. No employer wants that. I'm skating on thin ice because of my disease and absences. One more write up and I'm fired.

I can't win.

My fiancée is working two jobs to pay our bills. Bills I'm not able to help with because the state takes most of my pay for support that was based upon false information. I can't even afford my health insurance. And if I drop it, they consider my meager pay too much to qualify for any help. My paycheck doesn't even cover my gas back and forth to work for two weeks.

I keep trying to hold on for my kids. For my family, but it's so hard...


  1. im sorry to hear things are so suck for you right now. its good to hear that the man you decided was right for you has decided to grow the fuck up. he isnt the only one who loves you for who you are. and who you can be. lets hope he continues to be there for you, and that the situation you are now in is not as similar to where you were with your ex for so long.

    that being said, exactly why has the man who puts so much thought towards your children not being more active with fixing things with your ex? speaking with him, about the problem. thats a little dissapointing. you never let me get close to your kids or speak with your ex because you were afraid he would start keeping your children from you when he saw you happy with me. but you know damn well i would have done both and more if you had let me. it pained me, and your mother as well, when you let him bend you over for that child support. there are people out there, and free agencies to help with just this sort of thing. i've told you this before. i tried to help, but you didnt want to deal with them. they are there to help.

    talk to brighid. she offered to help you more then once now, and she knows quite a few people down here that can give you advice and point you in the right direction. i know she isnt happy with the way you blew her off when you went to her for your "issues" with your "shining light" and his bullshit, but she will still help if you ask her. explain the problem, im sure she knows someone who can help. she has a thing about men who abuse and manipulate and control their spouses. i wont be easy, but it will get harder the more time that passes.

    as for being sick all the time again, you really need to look at why that is. you were pretty damn healty when you were with me, but you were not smoking, you ate well, and you were not living in a small space with 5 other people, 4 of them dirty little germ machines.

    i will always love you cyndi. more then you will ever believe. just be certain that your new man isnt holding against you the way you have wronged him like your ex.

    i wish you would talk to me in person. even let me help. im always here for you my dear. i only wish you really believed that.....

    be strong, stay healthy, and keep your head about you. we rarely get what we want. our case is a wonderful example of that. i know you and i know you can be determined if you really put your mind to it. but you cant keep procrastinating it....

    1. Finn, he did hold over my head what had happened between the two of us. I found this out during arguments we had later in our relationship. He had told me he forgave me, but lied. It was if he knew I loved you more than I loved him. And he was right. But our paths are what we choose and we must live with the consequences of those decisions.

      Since coming back to your arms, I know that this is where I was always meant to be. There was always something missing between M and I. I realize now that it was the pure and true love that you and I had and have again. I love you, Finn. And as you say you love me more than I'll ever believe, I love you the same. I always have...