Why?

So I had a panic attack tonight. In fact, it may still be going on. I can't shut my brain off to sleep. And so now I'm panicing about not getting any sleep before I have to get up at 4:30 to be at work at 5:45.

This two job thing is killing me. All I'm trying to do is keep my head above water. I can barely pay my cell bill. I can't pay my car insurance for another two weeks. They'll cancel it before then. Then I can't drive to work.

This is what goes through my brain.

I keep trying to call my kids. According to the ex, he gives Princess the phone, so she has the decision to answer it or not. I haven't spoken to them in almost two weeks. Sometimes, I don't know why I bother.

I gave Finn a hard time tonight. Guilt trip. For no reason. In the height of my attack. Not the first time I've done it either. So, of course, I'm obsessing over that. I'm such an idiot sometimes.

But I blame the ex for a lot of it. I lost so much of myself over the years, that I'm very insecure about myself now. I pretend that I'm OK. That life is just duckie. Truth is, parts of it just suck. And when I get these attacks, I attack everyone around me. I want them to hurt like I hurt. And I hate that I do that. I really hate myself after.

Like I hate myself for lashing out at Finn tonight.

I don't understand how I can pour my heart out here. I suppose I feel anonymous. That the internet is like smoke...I can hide in the cloud under a screen name. I need to talk to those that care about me-not faceless beings that hide behind their own screen name.

What I need is a magic switch to turn off my brain right now. I'm so burnt out. I need some sleep. But the sandman has refused to visit me so far tonight.

Maybe if I just try and convince myself, like I've convinced others, that life is duckie, I can drift off to dream land....

Reflections

As I was falling asleep last night, I had thoughts on how happy I've been lately.

And for some reason, I keep thinking that something's going to happen to destroy all of that.

I'm not used to being happy. I've gotten past the feeling that I don't deserve this. I know I deserve this. I just keep thinking that everything I've built over the past months is going to come crashing down on top of me.

My kids are doing fine. Finn and I are wonderful (he's wonderful). My finances are in the toilet, but I'm coming to terms that that is my new reality. Its just weird.

Maybe its because I haven't been truly happy for so long that I am wary about feeling this way. I know I deserve this. I know this is mine for the taking. Why do I doubt it? But, by the same token, why don't I stop smiling?

Maybe I should just stop obsessing about it. Maybe I should try to curb my neurosis and just let things ride.

Hell, it could also be because I'm nervous about this weekend...Finn is joining me and the kids to the movies on Saturday. This will be the first outing with them and Finn. I know everything will be fine. Its not like he's the boyfriend du-jour. We really are happy together, and I really hope that we won't be breaking up anytime soon. I think Saturday will be fine.

Everything will be fine.

It has to be.

Awesome News

I think I had reported before about my Little Man refusing to potty train. Well, I don't know what happened, but he's trained!!!!! Yay!!!!!!

Little Man is growing up.
*sniff*

Neat Find

I was perusing the Etsy forums and came across this neat link: http://myetsybook.com. It's where you can create a catalog with the items from your shop.

Here's mine: http://www.myetsybook.com/EtsyBook.html?id=6223513

I don't know...I thought it was pretty neat!

Freedom

My divorce was final on April 22, 2009. I am officially a divorced woman.

What does this mean? I'm already in a relationship, so I'm not a free woman. Or am I?

Since being asked to move out and meeting my boyfriend, my creativity has soared to heights I haven't seen in a long time. I'm free to be my own person. Actually, I am encouraged to be my own person. I'm creating jewelry again. I'm sewing again. I'm laughing again.

Yes, the tears are still there. My anxiety creeps up on me and overwhelms me at times. And I sink into a slight depression, but I'm not there for very long. The episodes used to last so much longer. I'm in a really good place emotionally right now.

Its still an uphill battle. It gets easier as the days go on. As I find myself little by little each day.

I was speaking with a really old friend of mine (from first grade) last night. I mentioned that I'm in a really good place emotionally right now. And I am. He thought that was great. He remembered me being really fun to be around. I think I'm there again. The free thinking of childhood. Yes, I have responsibilities now, bills, kids, etc., but I'm free to think and act upon those thoughts.

I'm really enjoying that freedom and the man who likes me for the woman that I am.

When It Rains...

So, I was out of work for a week. This means I don't get paid for a whole week. Ouch.

Today, I have to see a lung specialist for my check up of my pneumonia. That's $50 that I don't have as I have to stretch last week's paycheck through till next Friday.

The other day, I realized that the tire I have a hole in isn't holding air the way it needs to. In other words, I'm stopping at the gas station every couple of days to put air in it. Well, because I have four-wheel-drive, I can't just replace one tire - I have to replace two in order to save my transfer case from blowing up.

I already owe my mother for my meds from last week that cost $150 WITH insurance. Now, she said that she would loan me the money to fix my tires. I'm going to owe this woman for the rest of my life!

Haven't gotten the quote for replacing the tires yet. And, of course, I can't have cheap tires on the car, I have to have a name brand. And, unfortunately, I really like this brand because they hold up well. Well, except to things poking them and gouging them. But, I would like to go home to New Hampshire sometime soon and I was told that my car stays home unless I get the tires fixed. So, I guess I have no choice.

I really need a full time job.

Promoting

I don't usually like to use my diary as a promoting tool, but I just can't help myself as I'm really excited to have actually listed some of my chain maille!

Beachcomber Dragon Scale Bracelet

Love Link in Pink

Sparkles Captured

So, there you go. Three new pieces in a new section. I've thrown my hat into the jewelry ring. Its a risk, but what the hell, you can't go through life not risking anything! :)