New Phase

In a couple of weeks, I am starting the next phase of my life.

I am not happy about this. But, I realize that there is nothing I can do or say that will change the fact that my life will once again be turned upside down.

Luckily, I'm stronger now. But it still hurts. I don't want to say good bye to this phase as its been a wonderful phase. But I know I have to. I don't have a choice.

At least I still have a little time to enjoy this phase.

And enjoy it I will.

"Against All Odds"

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
Its the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now

Phil Collins, "Against All Odds", 1984

Stupid

I.hate.this.

These stupid, idiotic pain pills certainly help the pain. But now, the side effects are starting to kick in. I don't know that escaping from the pain is worth what I feel inside.

I'm over analyzing everything right now. And creating problems. Again.

I'm taking something that is probably very innocent and blowing it way out of proportion.

I'm such an idiot.

I really am.

Stupid Knee

I have had problems with my knees since I was 12 years old. I have a condition called Chondromalacia ( http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/patelladisorders/a/chondromalacia.htm ). It hasn't bothered me in about 15 years, save for weather changes (yes, I can predict the weather with my knees). But ever since this past Monday night, its been a whole different story.

I can barely walk. My right knee is swollen and really painful. I bought a brace at CVS on Tuesday morning and without it, I don't think I'd be walking at all. Yesterday, Finn and I went to see "Transformers" (which was AWESOME) and I couldn't get comfortable in the seat ~ my knee kept cramping up. I'm even thinking of going over to Goodwill today to see if they have a cane or crutches for sale; something to help keep the weight off my leg and maybe help it heal.

Went to the doc yesterday. She says I need an MRI. Well, I told her I probably need an MRI or X-rays and she agreed. She verified that the knee is swollen in comparison to my left one. She also prescribed some ibuprofen (which works much better than trying to take four OTC ibuprofen) and some Ultram for the night. The Ultram works wonderfully! And the ibuprofen keeps most of the edge off during the day. We're trying to manage the swelling and pain until I get my benefits in a couple of weeks so I can get that MRI.

The only thing I'm afraid of is this is the beginning of my journey to a new knee. I've always known that that's a possibility. The chondromalacia has continually worn away the cartilage in my knees. I'm afraid that the right one has given up its fight. I'm sure that having the Crohn's, which is an auto-immune disorder, hasn't helped the cause either. There are things that are going on in my body that are related to the Crohn's. In all honesty, I've had a feeling that things were getting worse, that my body wasn't feeling the same for a few months now. I just haven't had the money to get blood work and such done to confirm.

I will keep you updated as the days/weeks go by. But I wouldn't be surprised if I post from my hospital bed after replacement surgery.

Bleh

That about sums it up for the day.

I had wanted to go to New Hampshire to meet up with old friends for this weekend. That meant I would have had to bring my kids. So I asked the ex. He said no. So, here I am.

Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled to be seeing my kids. To have their arms wrapped around my neck in a tiny version of a bear hug is something I look forward to. Its just that, well, something has been calling me home. And I was really looking forward to spending some time with my friends and their families.

Its so strange. Lately, I have been feeling this pull that says I need to go back to New Hampshire. I don't understand it. There is something that keeps telling me I need a change. I don't have any money. I wouldn't have anywhere to live. I'd have no job up there. I don't know that I'd want to move back there. I just need a change.

And its not that I'm not happy here. Mom's here. Kids are here. Finn's here. Friends are here. I'm very happy here. Almost too happy.

So what is my problem? Why do I want a change? And its not even neccessarily back home. I've been thinking of going across country to see some family. Or down south to visit more family. Hell, I have friends in California that I haven't seen for 20 years!

Maybe I just need a vacation. I just need to get away for a few days. I've got July 31st through August 5th off from work. We'll see which way the wind blows...

Look! Glitter!

That's how I feel tonight...don't show me anything shiny because I'll lose focus on what I'm doing.

I've been working on a new halter for my shop for about three hours now. It should be done by now. However, within those three hours, I've watched the end of one Pirates of the Caribbean, watched the whole of another, am watching National Treasure now, sewing some of the halter, fixed a pair of pants for Finn, played some online games, surfed Facebook, ate, munched on watermelon, rested my poor broken toe, pet the cat, ate again.

And I can't stay focused.

And I still have much to do before going to bed. Like cleaning my room and washing dishes. Oh, and a load of laundry. But before the laundry, I have to finish the halter. During laundry, I'll clean.

If I can stay focused.

I need to get off the damn computer.

Do I see glitter?

Another Reason....

To curse out my ex for giving me so much crap the other day.

I was moving furniture in my room to make room for a dresser that I just got at Goodwill (a great bargain, I might add. Good shape, $6.97.). Not a big piece, just a small bookshelf. Its on wheels. Easy, peasy, right?

WRONG!

I ran over my toe. In the process, I bent my toenail backwards. MY WHOLE FOOT HURTS! Seriously. My toe is on fire and my foot is throbbing all the way into my calf muscle.

So, I'm silently cursing the whole world right now. Me, for having so much crap and the rest just because.