Are There Any Happy Marriages?

I hardly like to refer to an Etsy Etc. forum thread. But this one really stuck to me.

http://www.etsy.com/forums_thread.php?thread_id=6048064

Are there really any happy marriages?

I thought I had one. I sacrificed everything for him. I sacrificed the one thing in the world that should mean more than anything. Myself.

I endured major depression. I endured continual stress to be what I thought he wanted. I stifled my creativity. I stifled me. I tried to be his perfect little girlfriend/wife. Did I have to do this? Probably not. But, he made clear his dissatifaction of things I liked or did. So I stopped doing them.

I realize now that this is not healthy. I should never have given up me for him. I realize now that I am so much more. The friends I have kept and made like me for being the silly and creative person that I am. They like being around me. What a great ego boost to know that I don't have to change to have people like me. The relationship I'm in now makes me so very happy. While we don't always see eye-to-eye and we don't have everything in common, we get along because we're able to be ourselves.

Some sacrifice is necessary. Sacrificing all isn't.

Sacrifice

Not human or animal. Jeez.

I'm talking about sacrifice of the soul.

I think so often about the crap I'm going through right now. Emerging from my cuccoon. I can feel the shreds of my former self falling away. I can feel the old me coming through.

Lately, though, it's been really difficult. I've been stumbling. In a way, I think this is because of the new feelings in my heart.

I didn't expect Finn to drop into my life. I know, everything happens for a reason. He's meant to be here with me. I get that. What I don't get is why now? Why fall in love? Is he here to help me on my journey? Maybe that's it. Because he has helped me. He helps me all the time. By caring. By listening. By being there. And, of course, making me laugh and feel special is just icing on the cake. And the least I can do is return all that he gives to me by giving him the same from me. He tells me I'm too good to him. In all fairness, he's way too good to me. :)

But, in all seriousness...I don't ask myself anymore if I'm worth it. I know I am. I'm worth making my life my own. I'm worth taking the reins and controlling it again. Yes, I still get upset by what Exman says (he gets so hurtful at times). But I'm finding that I don't get upset for the length of time that I used to. I don't shed tears over what he says anymore. I'm realizing that they're just words. He's lashing out as his control slips. I know who I am. I know what I am. Am I a bitch for that? Quite possibly. But no one seems to think so.

And, honestly, I don't care if I'm thought of as a bitch. Why are strong women considered bitches? I'm not stomping on anyone. There is no bloodbath. There are no bodies. Some fires, but those were set for fun. I'm just living day by day.

There is no telling there will be a tomorrow.

It's Going to be OK

Yeah.

I think it is.

I went out for a few hours just by myself last night. I parked down by the river, watched as the river raced past. Watched the lights of the town dance on its surface. With music playing and notebook in hand, I wrote. I wrote down what was in my head and my heart. I haven't done that in a while.

And you know what? It felt good. Awesome even.

By the time I found my way home, I was in much higher spirits. I'm still scared as hell, but I'm more comfortable with what happened and what was said. And I realized that it's OK to be scared.

Life is a roller coaster.

And I get to ride it with a new love and awesome friends. ;P

Frightened

I just realized how scared I am.

I'm scared of my feelings.

I'm scared of what happened last night.

I'm scared of the future.

I'm scared there won't be a tomorrow.

I'm scared of so much.

I can't help but wonder if everything that has been sacrificed is worth this much pain. I mean, telling Finn that I'm falling in love with him last night scares me.

Why do I fear my feelings? Is it because these are true feelings from my true self? Is it because I haven't felt like this in so long? Because I don't want to screw this relationship up? These are my feelings. I shouldn't be scared of them.

Why is this so hard? It was so easy so many years ago. Does it change that much as you grow older? Is it because I've had to say good bye to my past? Am I mourning the person I thought I had to be? I look back and there's nothing to mourn. She was nothing. Am I mourning what I thought was happiness? I mean, honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Why am I crying then?

Why am I questioning everything that has happened up until this point?

I hate this. I really fucking hate this.

Cat's Out of the Bag

So, yesterday was good. We worked the afternoon together. He text me Happy Valentine's Day. It was all so sweet. Before I left his place in the morning, I set up two candles, a monkey, a bear and a purple leather rose. He got home and told me I was a stinker.

Dinner was on me. I went over and cooked a meal fit for a king for him. But his sugars got too low and then it got scary. As I did the best I could to stay out of his way and move everything breakable to a safe location, I sat there on the verge of tears. I couldn't do anything to help him. And it sucked.

And I realized something. I realized that despite the fact that he has a chronic illness. Despite the fact that he could go into a coma or die at any moment. Despite the fact that I don't know that we'll have tomorrow together. I am certainly falling in love with this man. And I cried when I realized that.

And I cried some more when he told me that the feeling is mutual.

I don't know what happens now. He was very upset that I had to witness that last night. And couldn't understand why I was still there when it was over. I was still there because I couldn't leave. At least not without knowing that he was OK. And then, when it was over, I started to pack up and tried to leave. I really did. But for some reason, I had the feeling that if I had walked out that door that night, I would never walk back in. And I want to get out of the habit of running away. Because I have a feeling that we've both done a lot of that in our lives.

I may not understand what happened to him last night, or what it feels like. But, he started on something about being sick all the time. I stopped him right in his tracks. I firmly told him not to go there because that I DO understand. I know what it's like to be sick all the time. To be so close to death that you can practically taste it. To wonder if you'll wake up in the morning. I know all that. So, while I don't know what it feels like to have my blood sugar drop so low to almost kill me, I do know what it's like to be sick.

I don't know what happens from here. I'm so emotionally drained today. I'm tired, but not tired. I have this nervous energy pulsing through my veins that I'm not quite sure what to do. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I'm not going anywhere. I know that what happened is a really awful aspect of the disease. I just want to hold him and make it all go away. For both of us.

Uruz

So, I have thought more about this branding, or scarification, that I have been introduced to. I think I really want to have one done. Something different. Something to mark the new beginnings in my life.

This is the symbol I want: http://www.mystic-mouse.co.uk/Runes/Uruz.htm

The meaning is: "The strength to break through and move on. Ur is a sign of new beginnings, a time to shake off the past and to take advantage of new opportunities. Remember before each new beginning must come an ending and endings can be an emotional time but know that, ultimately, it will be to your benefit.

Live each day to its fullest, knowing that from every ending comes new life. Do whatever it takes to succeed and seize each moment so you will never come to regret missed chances.

A favourable time for high risk ventures."

Everything in my life right now is proof that I can break through and move on. I am embarking on a new beginning. I am trying to hard to seize each moment of every day. With these new beginnings come sacrifices. This is the emotional aspect.

I believe I will have this placed either above my left breast or on the upper part of my left arm since either place is close to my heart. Yes, I know it will hurt like hell. But, there is no moving on without some sort of pain. And the pain will remind me of the sacrifice. And the symbol will remind me of my new life.

Yes, this is something I want to do.

Love

How do you know if you're in love? I mean, truly, head-over-heels in love. The kind of love you know is right. The kind of love that is true.

I'm at a point in my relationship with Finn that I'm comfortable being apart from him. Yes, I miss him (terribly!), but if I don't see him for a day or two, the world is not going to end.

When I'm with him, time seems to stand still. When we're out, there are times where it feels as though we are the only two people in the room. I get an amazing rush being near him. And when he reaches out for me...whoa!

He invited me to go with him for a weekend away. It wouldn't be just us, but us and some people he knows. But the fact that after such a short time he would ask me to join him seems major. I could be wrong. Remember, I've been out of this dating thing for 16 years! But, it does seem like a big deal. I know when I mentioned the key to a mutual friend, she nearly keeled over.

I could be totally off base with my thinking. I know I'm not rational about this at all. I keep telling myself that I could not be falling for him when I know that I am. Big time. I smile when I think of him. Laugh when I see something that reminds me of him and a joke we've shared. It's an amazing feeling to know that someone could care for you even though they know that you're a little crazy.

When we are together, it seems as though it's getting more and more difficult to say goodbye. Again, I could be reading way into this, but I honestly don't think so. I think that he's fighting with his feelings just as I am. We've both been hurt. I think we're both scared at this point. I want to tell him so bad what I feel, but I'm so scared that he'll run away. And I don't want that. I also don't want him to think that he's a rebound for he's not. I've been emotionless about my past relationship for so long, that I'm over him. And have been for some time.

I can tell you one thing, Finn makes me happy. He frustrates me. He challenges me. He holds me. He converses with me. He laughs with me. He hugs me while I cry. He listens to me. Never, in my whole life, have I had a partner that is like Finn. He's an amazing man and I feel so lucky to have him in my life.