Frightened

I just realized how scared I am.

I'm scared of my feelings.

I'm scared of what happened last night.

I'm scared of the future.

I'm scared there won't be a tomorrow.

I'm scared of so much.

I can't help but wonder if everything that has been sacrificed is worth this much pain. I mean, telling Finn that I'm falling in love with him last night scares me.

Why do I fear my feelings? Is it because these are true feelings from my true self? Is it because I haven't felt like this in so long? Because I don't want to screw this relationship up? These are my feelings. I shouldn't be scared of them.

Why is this so hard? It was so easy so many years ago. Does it change that much as you grow older? Is it because I've had to say good bye to my past? Am I mourning the person I thought I had to be? I look back and there's nothing to mourn. She was nothing. Am I mourning what I thought was happiness? I mean, honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Why am I crying then?

Why am I questioning everything that has happened up until this point?

I hate this. I really fucking hate this.

Court

Well, I had my first court date in regards to my divorce yesterday. It was supposed to be a default hearing and I guess I wasn't supposed to show up. Oops. My bad. Teehee.

Anyhoo.

The afternoon session was scheduled for 1:30. We didn't go before the judge until after 5. And she only called us because we were there and had waited all afternoon. We went through the court papers to see what I agreed with and what I didn't agree with. And I cleared up a few things, most especially the fact that I don't make the same amount of money that I did when the calculated the child support.

I thought that was funny. I wish I could've taken a picture of his and his attorney's face when I explained my work situation and salary. And explained that the amount they used to calculate was after 4 years of service. Since I had a new job in the same industry, new jobs don't start where you ended. Um duh. And I didn't go to college. Wouldn't it be nice if we could start a new job at a new company for the same amount we made before? Makes perfect sense and that happens all the time.

What are you, stupid? Can one answer this simple question? ARGH!!!!!

But, I guess it began when I overheard his father tell him that my being there could pose a problem. Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to ruin your day. But, since September, I've grown a set and I'm putting them to good use. I refuse to allow him to steamroll over me.

So, since once we got through all the points, it was nearing six o'clock, the judge dismissed us to come back on the 20th. Another day off, but it will be worth it. By then, I can have an attorney.

And fight back even harder.