I want to run away.
Nothing is as it seems. Some days I feel as though the smile on my face is just painted there.
I was out on Wednesday. Met with and hung with someone very special at a truely magical place. Later, a couple friends joined us. It was the first time in a while that I really laughed.
The honeymoon is over. Things aren't as perfect as everyone thinks. I'm reminded a lot of my ex husband. And it scares me. I'm so deep into this relationship that I really think it's too late. Is that possible? Is it ever too late?
I just want to run. Far away. From everything. To a new place where no one knows me....
Showing posts with label running. Show all posts
Showing posts with label running. Show all posts
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Cat's Out of the Bag
So, yesterday was good. We worked the afternoon together. He text me Happy Valentine's Day. It was all so sweet. Before I left his place in the morning, I set up two candles, a monkey, a bear and a purple leather rose. He got home and told me I was a stinker.
Dinner was on me. I went over and cooked a meal fit for a king for him. But his sugars got too low and then it got scary. As I did the best I could to stay out of his way and move everything breakable to a safe location, I sat there on the verge of tears. I couldn't do anything to help him. And it sucked.
And I realized something. I realized that despite the fact that he has a chronic illness. Despite the fact that he could go into a coma or die at any moment. Despite the fact that I don't know that we'll have tomorrow together. I am certainly falling in love with this man. And I cried when I realized that.
And I cried some more when he told me that the feeling is mutual.
I don't know what happens now. He was very upset that I had to witness that last night. And couldn't understand why I was still there when it was over. I was still there because I couldn't leave. At least not without knowing that he was OK. And then, when it was over, I started to pack up and tried to leave. I really did. But for some reason, I had the feeling that if I had walked out that door that night, I would never walk back in. And I want to get out of the habit of running away. Because I have a feeling that we've both done a lot of that in our lives.
I may not understand what happened to him last night, or what it feels like. But, he started on something about being sick all the time. I stopped him right in his tracks. I firmly told him not to go there because that I DO understand. I know what it's like to be sick all the time. To be so close to death that you can practically taste it. To wonder if you'll wake up in the morning. I know all that. So, while I don't know what it feels like to have my blood sugar drop so low to almost kill me, I do know what it's like to be sick.
I don't know what happens from here. I'm so emotionally drained today. I'm tired, but not tired. I have this nervous energy pulsing through my veins that I'm not quite sure what to do. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I'm not going anywhere. I know that what happened is a really awful aspect of the disease. I just want to hold him and make it all go away. For both of us.
Dinner was on me. I went over and cooked a meal fit for a king for him. But his sugars got too low and then it got scary. As I did the best I could to stay out of his way and move everything breakable to a safe location, I sat there on the verge of tears. I couldn't do anything to help him. And it sucked.
And I realized something. I realized that despite the fact that he has a chronic illness. Despite the fact that he could go into a coma or die at any moment. Despite the fact that I don't know that we'll have tomorrow together. I am certainly falling in love with this man. And I cried when I realized that.
And I cried some more when he told me that the feeling is mutual.
I don't know what happens now. He was very upset that I had to witness that last night. And couldn't understand why I was still there when it was over. I was still there because I couldn't leave. At least not without knowing that he was OK. And then, when it was over, I started to pack up and tried to leave. I really did. But for some reason, I had the feeling that if I had walked out that door that night, I would never walk back in. And I want to get out of the habit of running away. Because I have a feeling that we've both done a lot of that in our lives.
I may not understand what happened to him last night, or what it feels like. But, he started on something about being sick all the time. I stopped him right in his tracks. I firmly told him not to go there because that I DO understand. I know what it's like to be sick all the time. To be so close to death that you can practically taste it. To wonder if you'll wake up in the morning. I know all that. So, while I don't know what it feels like to have my blood sugar drop so low to almost kill me, I do know what it's like to be sick.
I don't know what happens from here. I'm so emotionally drained today. I'm tired, but not tired. I have this nervous energy pulsing through my veins that I'm not quite sure what to do. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I'm not going anywhere. I know that what happened is a really awful aspect of the disease. I just want to hold him and make it all go away. For both of us.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Photographs
At the urging of a good friend, I have decided to try and sell prints of the pictures I take while out on my runs. I'm a bit nervous about this.
Although I enjoy sharing my photos on Flickr, it's a whole other ballgame to try and sell what you love. I felt this same way the first time I sold one of my halters.
These are the first four I'm going to start with. The upper left was taken in Lambertville, NJ, of the bridge going in to New Hope, PA. The upper right was just outside Stockton, NJ, and shows the tow path bridge and Route 29 bridge. Lower left is in Centre Bridge, PA, under the bridge to Stockton, NJ. And the bottom right was taken in North East, MD, at the community park on a visit at the beginning of September.
I will offer different print sizes and have them printed professionally (obviously, the watermark will not be print
ed.
What do you think of this start?
Saturday, October 25, 2008
This, That and Everything Else
I feel like I've neglected my poor blog. I nurtured this diary everyday, several times a day for so long. Then, my life fell apart, and now I have neglected my brain's dumping ground.
Poor brain.
Poor blog.
Things are picking up in my neck of the woods. I've got a job. Which, let me tell you, is frelling great for my ego. I'm working with people who think I'm 9 to 10 years younger than I really am. I want to hug them all. And, it's not because I feel old or even am all that old (almost 34), it's just that it feels good to have people think you're younger.
I haven't been running in a few days. I've been walking, though. I think I have shin splints. The muscles on the front of my calves have been very sore. So, I've been taking it easy and just power walking. My shins seem to think that doable. So, I'm up to walking eight miles a day when I can get out. It's difficult when I'm working during the day and get out at 4. When that happens, I'm usually leaving work to go get the kids. So, on those days, I'm not able to get out and walk. Yesterday, I was witness to some really beautiful fog over the river since the air temp was only about 25 degrees F. http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/sets/72157608337574515/. I even set the one of the bridge as the desktop on my laptop.
I miss my babies more than ever. The weekends I don't have them are really difficult. I don't see them between Thursday and Tuesday. That's a long time. It's not easy going from being with them 24/7 to barely being with them at all. I'm working toward having my own place soon enough so that I hope I can have them with me more often. Princess doesn't say anything, but I know Little Man doesn't like when I drop him off. He wants me to stay at the house. Says its my house and I should be there. Last Sunday, when I was getting them ready to go back to the house, Little Man started crying and didn't want to go. It just about ripped my heart out.
But, other than that, things are good. I'm still not smoking. In fact, I saw one of my friends the other night. She had two cigarettes while standing in front of me. Didn't even have the slightest bit of craving for one. OK. That's a lie. I did have a fleeting thought of stealing one from her. But, I swear it was only for a second. And then it was gone. I suppose that will always happen. I've been told that the craving never fully goes away. But, I can live with that kind of craving where it only happens for a fleeting moment.
So, I see that the hour grows late. I've been up for a while, just messing around on the computer. Which seems to be my every day. And I wonder why I don't accomplish anything. Today, I'm headed to Goodwill and the beer store. Tomorrow will be shopping for supplies and sewing. I have to finish Princess' costume and hoodies.
Busy. Busy. Busy.
Poor brain.
Poor blog.
Things are picking up in my neck of the woods. I've got a job. Which, let me tell you, is frelling great for my ego. I'm working with people who think I'm 9 to 10 years younger than I really am. I want to hug them all. And, it's not because I feel old or even am all that old (almost 34), it's just that it feels good to have people think you're younger.
I haven't been running in a few days. I've been walking, though. I think I have shin splints. The muscles on the front of my calves have been very sore. So, I've been taking it easy and just power walking. My shins seem to think that doable. So, I'm up to walking eight miles a day when I can get out. It's difficult when I'm working during the day and get out at 4. When that happens, I'm usually leaving work to go get the kids. So, on those days, I'm not able to get out and walk. Yesterday, I was witness to some really beautiful fog over the river since the air temp was only about 25 degrees F. http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/sets/72157608337574515/. I even set the one of the bridge as the desktop on my laptop.
I miss my babies more than ever. The weekends I don't have them are really difficult. I don't see them between Thursday and Tuesday. That's a long time. It's not easy going from being with them 24/7 to barely being with them at all. I'm working toward having my own place soon enough so that I hope I can have them with me more often. Princess doesn't say anything, but I know Little Man doesn't like when I drop him off. He wants me to stay at the house. Says its my house and I should be there. Last Sunday, when I was getting them ready to go back to the house, Little Man started crying and didn't want to go. It just about ripped my heart out.
But, other than that, things are good. I'm still not smoking. In fact, I saw one of my friends the other night. She had two cigarettes while standing in front of me. Didn't even have the slightest bit of craving for one. OK. That's a lie. I did have a fleeting thought of stealing one from her. But, I swear it was only for a second. And then it was gone. I suppose that will always happen. I've been told that the craving never fully goes away. But, I can live with that kind of craving where it only happens for a fleeting moment.
So, I see that the hour grows late. I've been up for a while, just messing around on the computer. Which seems to be my every day. And I wonder why I don't accomplish anything. Today, I'm headed to Goodwill and the beer store. Tomorrow will be shopping for supplies and sewing. I have to finish Princess' costume and hoodies.
Busy. Busy. Busy.
Friday, October 17, 2008
I Gots a Job!
Yep! I'm a part-time deli associate at the local grocery! Tain't much, but at least its gas money to get me back and forth to see my kids.
And....I had applied with the Navy to be a civilian administrative assistant and they called me today! Of course, I wasn't home, but I got a call! So, Monday, I will be contacting the officer that called me back so I can hopefully set up an interview!
Despite a set back yesterday, in the grand scheme of things, this has been a wonderful week!
And...I pushed myself this morning on my run/walk (could that be shortened to a rulk? lol!). Instead of three or four miles, I mapped out the course I did using Google Earth and discovered I did not three, not four, not even five, but six miles! It's so easy to lose yourself and not realize how far you've gone when listening to music and taking in such beautiful scenery by the river.
To be able to run along side this: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2950600658/in/set-72157607884420009/ is just simply breath taking.
And....I had applied with the Navy to be a civilian administrative assistant and they called me today! Of course, I wasn't home, but I got a call! So, Monday, I will be contacting the officer that called me back so I can hopefully set up an interview!
Despite a set back yesterday, in the grand scheme of things, this has been a wonderful week!
And...I pushed myself this morning on my run/walk (could that be shortened to a rulk? lol!). Instead of three or four miles, I mapped out the course I did using Google Earth and discovered I did not three, not four, not even five, but six miles! It's so easy to lose yourself and not realize how far you've gone when listening to music and taking in such beautiful scenery by the river.
To be able to run along side this: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2950600658/in/set-72157607884420009/ is just simply breath taking.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I Can't Believe It...
On Tuesday, October 14, I will be celebrating 90 days of being smoke free.
90 days.
I never thought that back in July, I'd be where I am now. I haven't had a smoke since the night of July 13. I'm running and walking. I'm doing tummy crunches. I'm going through a divorce. I have my shop again. And, yet, through it all, I haven't had a cigarette.
Honestly, I am amazed at myself.
And now people are calling me an inspiration.
I'm not an inspiration. I'm just doing what I have to do to make my short time on this planet a little longer and more enjoyable. It's scary enough to realize that your life may be cut short due to an illness (and the medication used to treat it), but then to realize that you can't even simply run around the yard and play with your own children is devastating.
I mean, three-quarters of the time, I'm so tired that it's a large effort to play with the kids. How fair is it to them that the 25% of the time that I feel good, I got out of breath so quickly that it wasn't worth it to play? What kind of mom was I?
Now that I'm feeling better, I take my kids to the park often. They find little friends to play with and I end up running around with a bunch of kids while the parents look on, sitting on the bench. It feels good to be the mom who gets muddy and dirty with the kids.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2905263716/in/set-72157607358438933/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2912485453/in/set-72157607358438933/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2912483217/in/set-72157607358438933/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2917948279/in/set-72157607358438933/
Oh, and as far as running? If I hadn't quit smoking, I would never see scenery like this:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/sets/72157607884420009/
90 days.
I never thought that back in July, I'd be where I am now. I haven't had a smoke since the night of July 13. I'm running and walking. I'm doing tummy crunches. I'm going through a divorce. I have my shop again. And, yet, through it all, I haven't had a cigarette.
Honestly, I am amazed at myself.
And now people are calling me an inspiration.
I'm not an inspiration. I'm just doing what I have to do to make my short time on this planet a little longer and more enjoyable. It's scary enough to realize that your life may be cut short due to an illness (and the medication used to treat it), but then to realize that you can't even simply run around the yard and play with your own children is devastating.
I mean, three-quarters of the time, I'm so tired that it's a large effort to play with the kids. How fair is it to them that the 25% of the time that I feel good, I got out of breath so quickly that it wasn't worth it to play? What kind of mom was I?
Now that I'm feeling better, I take my kids to the park often. They find little friends to play with and I end up running around with a bunch of kids while the parents look on, sitting on the bench. It feels good to be the mom who gets muddy and dirty with the kids.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2905263716/in/set-72157607358438933/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2912485453/in/set-72157607358438933/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2912483217/in/set-72157607358438933/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2917948279/in/set-72157607358438933/
Oh, and as far as running? If I hadn't quit smoking, I would never see scenery like this:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/sets/72157607884420009/
Monday, October 6, 2008
Running
Wow. What a friggin rush.
I went running for the first time today. Left the house at 7:40 am or so and didn't get back until 8:20 am.
The sun was just starting to come up. The geese were flying overhead. People were starting their days. And I was running and walking.
It was so beautiful. So quiet.
I think tomorrow or Wednesday, I'm going down to the Delaware and run on the tow path between the river and the canal. If you want beauty, that's beauty.
Oh! I can't wait!
I went running for the first time today. Left the house at 7:40 am or so and didn't get back until 8:20 am.
The sun was just starting to come up. The geese were flying overhead. People were starting their days. And I was running and walking.
It was so beautiful. So quiet.
I think tomorrow or Wednesday, I'm going down to the Delaware and run on the tow path between the river and the canal. If you want beauty, that's beauty.
Oh! I can't wait!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
