Levaquin

This is the antibiotic that I was put on for the double pneumonia. No wonder I feel the way I do. One of the side effects is depression. So, pile the side effects on top of being a virtual shut in, and you get one very messed up person.

Less serious Levaquin side effects may include:
*nausea, diarrhea, constipation;
*feeling restless, anxious, or depressed;
*headache, dizziness;
*muscle pain;
*sleep problems (insomnia or nightmares);
*vaginal itching or discharge; or
*mild skin itching.

So, I've got the restlessness and depression. I've got the headache (although that could be from coughing and blowing my nose). I've got the sleep problems (have had to take some sleeping pills the last few nights).

Great. And I'm only halfway through my script.

Stupid Pneumonia

That depression that I talked about last night? Yeah. It hit. Full-bore. And I called him and made him feel guilty and that was totally NOT my intent. Seriously, the last thing I wanted was to make him feel guilty. I just didn't know who else to call. And now the guilt of how I made him feel is on my shoulders. Which just makes things worse.

I'm just so sick of these walls. And I should be happy. I heard the words I longed to hear tonight after a wonderful picnic with him by the river. It was beautiful. I really didn't want the night to end. But he said he was tired and I should rest and that was it.

Then he said that he was going out. And that's where the good feeling ended.

I appreciate that he didn't lie to me about his night. I really do. But it upsets me a little that he knew that I didn't want to be home tonight. I want to be anywhere but here.

I'm trying to hold on to the night that happened beforehand. I really am, but the walls are closing in on me. I swear. I know every crack in the wall. I know what needs painting. I know the spots in the carpet.

And, gah! I feel horrible about making Finn feel horrible. Which only makes the sadness I feel about being home that much worse. I seriously didn't mean to make him feel bad. I just needed to lash out at something and he was it. And I'm so sorry that I did that. That wasn't fair to him.

So, Finn, if you're reading...I'm sorry, baby.........

Someone Smack Me

The depression of being sick all week is setting in. I'm tired of the computer. I'm tired of the TV. A short excursion completely wears me out. How the hell am I going to work on Monday?

I am so sick of being sick. Seriously. Either kill me or move on already.

Are There Any Happy Marriages?

I hardly like to refer to an Etsy Etc. forum thread. But this one really stuck to me.

http://www.etsy.com/forums_thread.php?thread_id=6048064

Are there really any happy marriages?

I thought I had one. I sacrificed everything for him. I sacrificed the one thing in the world that should mean more than anything. Myself.

I endured major depression. I endured continual stress to be what I thought he wanted. I stifled my creativity. I stifled me. I tried to be his perfect little girlfriend/wife. Did I have to do this? Probably not. But, he made clear his dissatifaction of things I liked or did. So I stopped doing them.

I realize now that this is not healthy. I should never have given up me for him. I realize now that I am so much more. The friends I have kept and made like me for being the silly and creative person that I am. They like being around me. What a great ego boost to know that I don't have to change to have people like me. The relationship I'm in now makes me so very happy. While we don't always see eye-to-eye and we don't have everything in common, we get along because we're able to be ourselves.

Some sacrifice is necessary. Sacrificing all isn't.