First Weekend of Spring

I get to spend the first weekend of the season of renewal with my children. What better way to celebrate the new season than with the fresh faces of my babies.

Last night, I picked them up from daycare and we went to McDonald's where we ate and they played for a while. We went shopping after to pick up a few things and get the Little Man a little something for his birthday. Princess picked out her bathing suit for the summer (which looks adorable). Today, we picked up some milk and mac n cheese at the store and then went bowling. Dinner was hot dogs with mac n cheese. Gotta love children.

Tomorrow should prove to be fun. It's supposed to be near 60 and sunny tomorrow so I figured we'd go to the park. They don't know yet, though...it's my little surprise for them. I can't wait to see their little faces when I tell them we're going. Maybe I'll even make fluffernutters and we'll picnic at the park. There's plenty of tables and such or I even have a blanket in the car.

Of course, to make this weekend over-the-top perfect (not that it's not perfect already)? Just need one more person...

*sigh*

Making Sense of Things

I was reading a friend's blog post from over this past summer. Seems he was going through some personal changes. And it got me thinking. He speaks of an internal struggle with his ego and id. Gee. That sounds familiar.

There are times that I really wonder if all that I've been through these last months is worth it. I'm living apart from my children. I miss them horribly. I don't feel whole unless I'm with them. Its extremely difficult. One of the challenges of life.

To move on with accepting myself, I realize that I must sacrifice. I'm supposing that being apart from my children at this point is a big sacrifice. I wasn't myself for so long. I am now rediscovering who I am. I have also sacrificed the security I felt with my ex. I had a beautiful home. I rarely asked for anything (any material object was given to me without question). But it wasn't enough.

I sacrificed everything I have known for half my life. For what goal?

I often sit and reflect on the decisions that I have made. I made a decision to regain myself. To learn who I am. Who I was. I think I'm finding her. I'm a lot happier than I was this time last year. I feel more comfortable in my own skin. It's such a wonderful feeling to say, "I like this or that" and not feel you have to have acceptance from others. I feel as though I am becoming my own person. I'm becoming stronger day by day.

I know that I have a really good friend to thank for a lot of this. He reminded me that even though I am a mother, I am also me. I am pretty. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am funny. I am lovable. Etc., etc. I was so lost in being a mom and a wife that I had forgotten this. My friend, I am eternally grateful to you for this. I feel I shall never be able to repay you for the gift that you continually give me.

And then I left. Or rather, I was kicked out. But, I'm thankful for that now. I needed that kick in the ass. I wallowed in my sorrow for a few weeks. There was barely a day in which I didn't cry. Then I got a job. I started making my way. And then I met Finn.

In a lot of ways, Finn is like my friend. He pushes me to be me. To be more comfortable with myself. I can truly say that if I happen to stay home at night, all is right with the world. I can read, I can design, I can sew, I can hang with my online friends. And its all good. If I start to get down on myself, Finn makes me see that I'm being silly. He calls me smart. He calls me beautiful. We talk about everything and nothing. We laugh. We share. We've connected.

But, while I don't know where my relationship with Finn is going, I'm enjoying it while I can. In a relationship where two people have serious chronic illnesses, one never knows what will happen from day to day.

And that's another thing that I've really begun to accept. My Crohn's and depression and anxiety. There's not a whole lot I can do about the Crohn's. It's there. It's not going away. There is no cure. But what I can do is live with it. It is part of me. It is a part of who I am. As is the depression and anxiety. The dark cloud still threatens me from time to time, but I'm able to push it away. I haven't had a full on panic attack in a while. I feel as though the more in control I feel over my life, the more control I have on my illnesses.

I feel freer than I have in years. And I don't mean free from responsibility. I still have that. I have myself. I have my children. I mean free from the restraints that I placed on myself. Making myself into the person I thought I was supposed to be rather than the person that I am. I like sewing, dancing, singing, hanging out, my family, my friends, renn faires, short hair, tight jeans, music, reading, fantasy, sci-fi, astrology, cats, ghost stories (even sharing my own), computers, arcade games, Broadway shows, Rocky Horror, Disney. I could go on, but I believe I'll end this post here.

I will revisit this as I see fit. For now, I am searching for the next modification to mark this realization in my life. A branding? A piercing? I want something significant. Something lasting. Something to remind me of the sacrifices I've made and will continue to make in the quest that is life.

Holiday Season

As I sit here, waiting for my car to cool down so I may change out the muffler on it (yes, I do the work on my own vehicle), I'm reflecting on the holiday season.

I stop and look around at my mother's house. Although it looks nice and homey and comfy, its too much. And I've told her this. She just has too much Christmas stuff. She insists on putting up every last little chotchke that she can find. Granted, a lot of the items have meaning (like all the snowmen), but it's still a lot of shit. I mean, it looks like Santa, Frosty and Rodolph threw up in the house. Gah! Even her musical clock has Christmas caroles playing!

And then, shopping. This is getting pathetic. I mean, Christmas in August? School hasn't even started! Someone actually got trampled on Black Friday this year. Hello? What is wrong with people? This is supposed to be a time for family and celebration - not killing someone in order to get the best price on a material item!

What happened to enjoying spending time with your family and friends? When did the holidays become all about what Santa brought you? Or who got the bigger iPod? Or your gifts are better than mine? Even my kids, who are 5 and 3, they want everything that they see on TV!

Why can't it be just simple?

I'm not asking for a lot. All I'm asking for is that we give a simple token of our love for each other. It could even be handmade. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money, just so long as it was from the heart. A simple meal with loved ones gathered around. What is wrong with that?

Believe it or not, I'm not fighting Xman for the kids for Christmas. I'm not. I'll have them for that weekend. I want to teach them that Christmas is not about the getting, it's about love and loved ones. I want to be able to teach them that being around family is better than any material gift you may receive.

Is this even possible in this day and age?

Life Can Be So Simple

I took this shot tonight, as my children played at the playground where I was standing as I took this. The Princess asked me to take a picture of the sunbeams because she had never seen them before. I, of course, obliged. Unfortunately, the beams shooting out from the clouds didn't really make it into the picture.

I felt very peaceful as I relaxed on a bench while my babies played with the other little ones who were visiting the park this evening. I watched as they ran around, chasing each other, sliding down the slides, running across the zip line. They had not a care in the world. So innocent, they are.

Kids are wonderful in the sense that they don't care what others look like. They don't care if you have purple polka-dots, they still want to be your friend. I have lucked out with two beautiful children that are so full of love and life. They care so much about each other and about other children. They get along with everyone they meet.

Maybe, if the world could sit and watch children play for a little while, we wouldn't have the mess we do...

Talk

He wants me to come home so we can talk. He's even going to talk his father into taking the kids.

But, I know his idea of talking. He's going to cry the crocodile tears and beg me to stay. OK, maybe not that forward, but that's what it will boil down to. He's already begging me to come home. Guilting me into coming home. Telling me he's having nightmares, Princess is wetting the bed, he misses me.

He says he's here for me to talk and open up. Dude, where have you been for 15 years? Why are you here all of a sudden? And why are you here when it benefits you?

I think he knows what I'm going to say. I think he realizes that I'm done. For some reason, I'm afraid to say it and I know he's afraid to hear it.

This is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I don't really want to be a single parent, but what's the alternative? I don't deserve to be mediocre for the rest of my life. I'm almost 34 years old. I have done nothing with my life (well, I do have two beautiful children). Am I saying that I have to make a million dollars and a name for myself? No, but I want to try. I deserve that chance.

Unfortunately, I think he's afraid that I will succeed him and that's why he holds me back. He's always been a little, um, "the man brings home the bacon." Which, hey, whatever. Give a girl a chance, though. I don't want to be hemming pants for the rest of my life. I deserve to be draping fabric on Julia Roberts, Angelina Jolie.

Hey, one can dream, can't they?