And.....

...it stopped snowing again.

...the roads are fine.

...I miss my babies.

...I really want some company.

...I should just take some sleeping pills and go to bed.

Whatthefuckever

I hate this weather. Why couldn't it have snowed the 10 inches that they promised? There's barely enough snow out there to even shovel. I gave up seeing my kids for this. So what happens? I make plans with Finn. Well, he says the roads are shit by him - 5 miles away. Whatthefuckever.

When I woke up this morning, I expected to see a couple inches of snow. There was a dusting. I put a load of laundry in, laid down and vegged in front of the TV and waited for the washer to be done. It stopped snowing in the meantime. Half hour later, I put the clothes in the dryer. Still not snowing. I go back to bed. Woken up an hour later by a friend texting me. Still not snowing.

Where's this huge storm they predicted?

Then, to top it off, I get a text from Xman apologizing and saying guess I could've taken the kids considering the storm didn't pan out as expected. Yeah. Way to make a mom feel that much better.

So, I make plans for dinner and a movie at the house with Finn. He gets out of work, drives home to change and texts me to tell me that he's not going back out because he basically skated all the way home. I'm confused. Over here, the roads are fine. I had just gotten home not 45 minutes prior to his text. I was driving speed limit on the roads I was driving on. I feel like telling him that if he didn't want to come over tonight, he could've just told me. So I call him. And he tells me that the only person I have to blame for not seeing the kids is me. Because I had agreed to it.

And you know what would've happened if I had them? We would've gotten those 10 inches and I wouldn't have been able to drive them home Sunday morning. So, I think my gripe with the weather is properly routed.

And I just wasted the money on buying something to eat since there wasn't a whole lot in the house to have been able to even throw something together. Money I didn't have this week because my hours have been cut so drastically.

I was really looking forward to the company tonight. And I'm actually really upset. Of course, I told Finn I'd be fine. He feels bad enough for not coming over, he doesn't need to worry about me. So I told him I'd be fine. Of course. I always am. Tomorrow, when I see him at work, I'll have my smile on and everything will be peachy keen. As always. Because I am not allowed to be upset.

FINE = Fucked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional

Whatthefuckever.

Completely Random Thought

I just remembered something that makes me realize what a great guy Finn is....

I remember trying to put a bracelet on. I was having trouble with the clasp. Without a word, he took the bracelet from me, wrapped it around my wrist and closed the clasp for me. And then kissed me. Without me asking for his help.

So, he knows how to say he's sorry and he helps put jewelry on and he's not skeevish about womanly issues.

*sigh*

Shedding

When do you start shedding the ghosts of your past?

I am so accustomed to being a certain way to make people happy that I'm afraid to be anything else. I feel I should just clasp my hands together and bow. No spoken word, just do as I'm told. As its been for many years. I don't remember what its like not to have that.

When does this stop?

I want to bad to tell someone to fuck off or shut the hell up. I'm too afraid to say this, though. Why? What's the worst that happens? Someone gets mad at me? Well, there's something new. Why am I afraid of someone being angry at me?

I've grown so much over the past year. This is the one obstacle that I can't seem to overcome. And now it threatens what makes me happy. It threatens my present and future relationships. How can one relationship make a person feel this way? I don't understand.

I need these ghosts to go away and leave me be.

We Hold On

How many times
Do we tire of all the little battles
Threaten to call it quits
Tempted to cut and run
How many times
Do we weather out the stormy evenings
Long to slam the front door
Drive away into the setting sun

Keep going on till dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

How many times
Do we chaff against the repetition
Straining against the faith
Measured out in coffee breaks
How many times
Do we swallow our ambition
Long to give up the same old way
Find another road to take

Keep holding on so long
Cause there's a chance that we might not be so wrong
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

How many times
Do we wonder if it's even worth it
There's got to be some other way
Way to get me through the day

Keep going on till dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

Rush, "We Hold On", Snakes and Arrows, 2007

On Becoming a Caregiver

I've been caring for my children for five years. But that's expected of a mom. I tended to Xman for 16 years. But, I wouldn't consider that being a "caregiver". No, what I am referring to is how one person takes care of an ill person.

Usually, I am the one having to be taken care of. Now, I don't normally allow someone else to take care of me. I'm a big girl, I can handle my illness. I just need that proverbial kick in the ass to keep myself well and in remission (which, knock wood, has been for a while now). I now have someone in my life who needs that kick at times.

Finn is diabetic. He is insulin dependent. If his sugars get low, he can go into seizures. Well, he had one of those the other morning. And it scared me. It scared me that all I could do was sit there and wait it out (I have since researched stuff I can do to help). I didn't panic. I stayed calm. But I hated that helpless feeling.

But, in a way, this is a good thing. I now understand what people feel when I'm sick. When there's nothing they can do to help the pain. How they have to sit back and watch as I cry because there's nothing left to do but cry. How they wish they could fix what was wrong.

I wish I could fix Finn's illness. I wish he didn't have to stick himself everyday, check his sugars every couple of hours, give himself shots. In my world, no one would be sick. I read updates to a friend's wife's illness. I see what he goes through. We give each other insight as to what the caregiver and ill one goes through. But, it's nothing like actually going through it.

And I wish that none of us had to go through this.

Happy New Year!

Missed the ball dropping last night, but I did get to ring in the new year with a great guy. And, of course, texting and emailing friends from all over the world was awesome. I even got to drunk text my brother!

But seriously. I hope this year brings good cheer to all that I know. We deserve to have better. And this is our year for that.

Cheers.