Raw

Made it through the night. I took a couple sleeping pills so I was able to get a really good night sleep (note to self: get more sleeping pills).

I have so many issues to work through. The biggest one being that I need to let go of a relationship in order to keep it. I tend to cling very tightly to someone. Of course, I chalk this up to the fact that Xman had a way of making me feel as though I couldn't do anything without him. Now I'm seeing this wonderful man who makes me do things for myself. I never thought I'd have a hard time with this. I guess its because I actually have to think for myself.

For so long, I did whatever he wanted. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't all the time. There were occasions where we did what I wanted. But mostly, it was his ideas because he didn't think he enjoyed the things I did.

But now, with Finn, he's not really that into what I like, but he's willing to join me. He asks what I want to do. He makes me think. We have conversations. About everything. Movies, books, life. It's amazing. I didn't realize that I could have this with a partner. It happens with friends, but I don't think that I've ever had this with a partner.

Even though I have no idea where my relationship with Finn is going, I am enjoying what we have right now. I just hope that my craziness won't push him away.

Picture for Poll

I'm running a blog poll. This is the picture for it.

Home

I got home early yesterday afternoon. Princess was the first out to see me. Then Hubby came out. Little Man didn't realize right away that I was home. Princess was so excited to see me. Hubby enveloped me in his arms. Little Man was mad at me and told me to go away. But, after a little while, he didn't want me to leave and was hugging and kissing me.

I haven't decided if I'm going to leave Hubby yet or not. We talked about some of what was going through my head last night. He wants to help. He wants to fix things. But, this feels like old hat. Things go awry and we try really hard to fix things. Then, after a little while, we don't try as hard and we go back to just being.

I told him that some of what I was feeling (and this scared the hell out of me) has to do with the fact I've been ill with a flare for so long now. When one has a chronic disease, they can't help but think that their life is going to be cut short. I've taken Pentasa, Endocort, Prednisone and Remicade so far for this flare. I'm still having pain. I see a blockage. I see surgery. I see Grim Reaper knocking on my door...

Yes. These are the thoughts that have gone through my head over the recent weeks. That I don't have a lot of time left. I mean, I'm at an increased risk for colon cancer due to the fact that my grandfather had it. The Crohn's ups that risk even more. Then heart disease runs in my dad's family (he did die of a major heart attack after all). All the medicines I've been on mess with your heart. Then there's that little factor that while taking the Remicade, I could develop lymphoma.

I'm not suicidal. Lord knows I don't want to be there again. I fought way too hard to come back from that edge. I'm actually a little mad that I fought so hard to be alive today only to be thinking that my disease is taking my life for me. I'm 33...i ain't ready to check out yet! Damn it!

But, this is what goes through a sick person's head. Especially a person with a potentially fatal disease.

So, part of what I need to think about is: do I stay somewhere I'm mildly happy, or do I set off and find myself and what truly makes me happy for the remainder of my time on Mother Earth?

Thinking

So I sit here thinking. The tears have been rolling free today. I wish they would just stop. I wish the thoughts would stop. I'm taking a break this weekend. Went to my mother's. So I'm posting from her computer.

Mom told me to think of the things that attracted me to my husband. Jeez...that's really drawing on my memory. It's been so long.

First thing that made me look at him? He looked good in his jeans and he had long hair (hey, give me a break...I was 17 when we met). When he sat down and we started talking, I was impressed with how easy it was to talk to him. It thrilled me when he walked me to my car, we exchanged numbers, he hugged me and then just kissed me on my cheek. Of course, he hadn't given me his pager number and we lost touch for those first couple of weeks, but when we met again, he was so sweet and apologetic that I instantly forgave him.

When we eventually decided to be exclusive, I was so excited. We had such a good time together, talking and laughing. We either saw each other or spoke on the phone every day. He never had much money, but he always made sure that I was taken care of.

We moved in together five months after we got together. That's when we discovered that life is not all peaches and cream - we fought constantly. That should've been the first sign.

Somehow, we weathered through the storm of getting used to living together. Either that, or we were just too damn stubborn to give up. Honestly, I think that's what has gotten us through our lives together.

I don't know when the magic went away. I don't know when the warm and fuzzy feelings stopped. I know that those feelings don't stay forever. But, shouldn't I feel something? Maybe what we had has never been "true love"...

Ironic

Hubby just text me to tell me he's thinking of me.

Funny, I'm thinking of him too. Only I don't think we're thinking the same things...

He was supposed to take the garbage out today. He told me he would. Guess what? He didn't. It was up to me, yet again, to take the garbage out to the curb.

This is no easy task. Our driveway is 2/10 of a mile long. I have to load the trash in the back of my Explorer and then back down the driveway, unload and then drive back up.

I just don't understand why he can't do this either the night before or in the 15 minutes he had leftover this morning after getting ready for work.

I guess the thing that burns my ass is that he said he'd do it. And he didn't.

Not much longer......