Still Miss It

Still miss it. 

Still catch myself 

Sitting in positions used

During pre-class warm up. 

When I walk,

My feet still turn out. 

Still remember the steps,

But not always their names. 

Without shoes,

I can still stand en pointe. 

To me, theater 

Will always be theatre. 

There is nothing in the world 

That compares to being a dancer. 

With bloodied toes and aching muscles

And backstage costume changes,

A dancer will always find their way 

To the music, to the stage lights,

To the applause. 

A dancer is living and breathing artwork. 

A dancer can always 

Spot another dancer 

From the way we walk

To the way we hold ourselves. 

For me, my journey began

As I watched Gelsey Kirkland and

Mikhail Baryshnikov perform 

"The Nutcracker " on PBS

During the holiday season 

So many years ago 

When I was just a wee one 

At five years old. 

My dreams were filled with 

My becoming Gelsey Kirkland. 

When I donned my first 

Pair of ballet shoes,

They became not only a part of me,

But also an extension of myself. 

The dance began to

Coarse through my veins. 

My mother told me on several occasions 

That dancing will forever 

Be in my blood. 

She's been right all along and 

I still miss it. 

©Cyndi Mackay 2016

To My Daughter

There is no number 

For how often I think 

Of you each day. 

There are no words 

To describe the love I have for you 

Ever since I found out 

You were a teeny tiny 

Person growing within me. 

I didn't even know you 

And yet, I knew how my 

Heart grew more each day. 

Even now, as you blossom 

Into a beautiful young woman, 

My heart continues to 

Become more full everyday.

©Cyndi Mackay 2016

My Finn

My Finn.... I didn't expect this time with you. I didn't expect to be with someone who warms my heart. The simple texts, emoticons included. Your lips touch mine. Your kiss warms me from head to toe. Your hugs engulf and protect me. My heart flip-flops at the thought of you. I've never been so in love before. Thank you, Finn, for allowing me the privilege of being yours and you mine, being one together. 

To The Pain

"Prince: First things first, to the death. 

Man in Black: No. To the pain. 

Prince: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase. 

Man in Black: I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon. 

Prince: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me. 

Man in Black: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose. 

Prince: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

 

Man in Black: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right. 

Prince: And then my ears, I understand let's get on with it. 

Man in Black: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain means." It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. 

Prince: I think you're bluffing. 

Man in Black: It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all. 

[slowly rises and points sword directly at the prince] 

Man in Black: DROP... YOUR... SWORD! 

[Humperdinck's mouth hangs open, drops sword to floor]"**

Ah, yes, to the pain. Though I may not be losing the items the Man in Black describes, in a way I feel as though I am. 

Forty-one. Still young. Should still be full of energy and be able to do things like others. One problem:

To the Pain. 

Every day I'm in pain. The levels don't drop below an 8/10 even with pain meds. Some days it even reaches the max of 10. 

To the Pain. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't live like this. I'm depressed. I feel lonely. I wish there were someone who is going through the same thing so I don't feel so alone. J does what he can and I can tell this is getting to him as well. My kids don't know because I don't want them to worry. But my mom, J's mom, J and my best friend K all know and give me as much support as they can. I don't know what I'd do without them. Especially J's hugs that completely envelope me...like two pieces of a puzzle that match. 

To the Pain. 

I will eventually learn to accept my new way of life. I will resign myself to ask for help when I need it. I will use the button for the automatic doors. And, if necessary, I will use a motorized cart while shopping. 

To the Pain. 

**The Princess Bride 1987 movie 

Am I Living in a Dream?

There was a time, gosh it seems like another lifetime, when I couldn't listen to songs like Phil Collins' "Against All Odds" or Stabbing Westward's "Waking Up Beside You" or even "Total Eclipse of the Heart" without my eyes filling with tears. I missed you so horribly that my heart felt torn in two. I tried to fill the void you left with another, but while I did love him in a way, he wasn't you. I don't think anyone could fill the void you left because no man would be you. I thought of you often; my dreams were full of you. When I would make love with the other, it never felt the same; we never became one like you and I did. I couldn't visit our old haunts as it tore me up inside. Memories of you were always lurking behind my eyes. I suppose you could say a large piece of me died the day we finally went our separate ways for I was never the same. 

The wolf in sheep's clothing and I did have some good times, but once my health took a turn for a darker place, the wolf showed his true self. When that happened, all I could think of was that you would've never treated me like that. You would've held me tight once my episodes passed and told me that it's ok. 

While with the wolf, I would check your Facebook. I was searching for proof that you were ok. I needed to know that you were ok in order to continue on the road I was on. When I saw you were fighting again and seemed happy to be involved with that again, my heart would fill and memories would flood my head again. It was as if knowing you were ok allowed me to be ok as well. I still felt a connection even though I couldn't bring myself to write you and tell you how much I missed you and needed you back in my life. With the mistakes I made during our last precious moments together, I thought you would never want me in your life again. During those years apart, you were never far from my thoughts on any given day. The love I still had for you scared me. I had never loved anyone with my whole existence before, well, except for my children. The void was still deep and I thought it would be there for the remainder of my days on Earth and carry over in to the after life where I knew you were the one I would wait for on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge and beyond the veil of this world and the next. 

As they say in the movie "Avatar", I could still "see you". I could still feel you. There were times I swore I heard your voice or felt your arms around me or felt your lips on mine. 

And then, you took the first steps to break the silence between us by using my business page on Facebook. 

At first, I didn't know what to do. I was still technically with the wolf, but that was waning quickly. He didn't know how to deal with me, so I stopped dealing with him. He could never accept that I was so ill mentally and physically. If I were admitted to the hospital, he said he had a really hard time going. So, on visiting nights, I would go to my room and cry because I felt I had no one that cared enough. Then came the day when he broke up with me over the phone during a stay and told me that my ex went running to the court regarding the custody of my children. Had I not been in a controlled area, that would've been it. My note was already written and hidden away and I had the pills to just slip away. I was ready to join my daddy and my grandparents; I felt that I was a horrible mother, a horrible partner and just a horrible person in general. 

Having stared Death in the eyes a few times, I was not afraid of dying. Why he has not taken me yet is still a mystery. I've almost died from a tooth infection, bleeding out 3/4 of my body's blood, overdosing on Tylenol, overdosing on klonozopam, and yet, he never took me. Being a cutter, he didn't even take me by stopping the blade from hitting an artery. I'm nothing special. I don't hold a high paying job, have not done really anything with my life. And, yet, I have two absolutely beautiful children, I have my mom who is one of my best friends, I have an awesome best friend back in PA, and I have you...the best friend I've ever had and be lucky enough to also be your lover. When the dark clouds hover, that's what I think about and that's why I'm still here. I still think about it, hell, lately it's been pretty much every day. Having to go through each day in pain, not knowing why, not even a hint of why, has brought the clouds closer than they've been in a while. I'm trying to change by trying to get some exercise, taking steps to quit smoking, trying to get myself on a schedule...it's not easy, in fact it's one of the most difficult things to do in a time when my physical and mental stability is up in the air. 

And then there's you. You pushing me to be a better person, to get on a schedule, scolding me when I stray, and loving me through it all. Loving me just because I'm me. Loving me despite my flaws. Loving me because of my flaws. 

When I came out for my visit just over 3 years ago, I really thought I was just going to visit a friend. When I saw you in the bus depot, however, every feeling I ever had for you came flooding back. I had tears of happiness in my eyes when I saw you. You made the short time we had together magical. I didn't want to leave...after 38 years of doing for others and putting myself last, I knew then and there that it was time to put myself first. And a few months later, I did. I left behind a lot of things, but I knew it was you that I needed to be with. 

I've never been with anyone with whom I fall in love with a little more each day. It hasn't always been easy, but no relationship is. We've argued and we've loved. We've cried and we've laughed. Most of all, we've done it together. I don't have to be anyone but myself with you and I like the person I am with you. We're like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly. And I can't even think of my life without you in it. 

They say that when you're in love, all the love songs make sense. And whomever "they" are, are completely correct. Every love song I hear reminds me of us. There's one that speaks of a broken road that particularly stands out. I followed that road and it lead me straight to you. There arw no more sad tears when I hear a song that reminded me of when we parted, even though we didn't really part on the best of ways. I realize now, how much I gave up when we parted. That's why I had checked on you. You left an imprint on my heart and that is something that could never be replaced but by the person who imprinted it. 

When I got back to PA after my visit, I sat down with the wolf and let everything come out. I told him that although I loved him, I told him that it was not like the love I had always had for you. Even though he and I were broken up, I could see how his shoulders sagged when I told him that. I didn't want to hurt him, but he deserved the truth...that I had never stopped loving you. You and I have always had a connection that couldn't be broken. You're the first lover I've ever had that with. So, when things were going down, and you invited me here, I knew it was my chance to be happy again. So I grabbed on and took that chance. Something I've never done...it was so spontaneous and unplanned, and, as you know, I like everything to be planned out and controlled. But I needed you back in my life, so when you gave me another chance, I knew it would be the last and I had to grab it. 

I've been comprising this post for a year now. Wanted it to be done for our anniversary last year, but that didn't come to fruition. I would think of it and then the thought would be lost. And here we are, coming to the day before our three year anniversary. Hard to believe it's been that long. 

After all this time, you still warm my heart, make me laugh, let me cry, tell me you love me. Your arms are still the ones that make me feel safe. Feeling you breathe while I drift off beside you is heaven. Loving and being one with my best friend is the greatest feeling in the world. 

I know this past year has been a very trying one. You hold me up on the days I just want to let go. I'm able to speak my feelings to you no matter if I'm depressed or elated or anything in between. You've been my rock even during times I didn't know I needed one. You know me better than I do myself and that is just one of many reasons why I love you so. 

We have had 3 great years together, dealing with the ups and downs (mostly ups). There is no one else I'd rather be riding with on this ride called life. I hope we have many more years and many more days together. 

Happy anniversary, my one true love. You really are my everything. 

06/22/2016

New Memories

The thought that I'm making new memories with Finn is a bit overwhelming at times. I still have a hard time believing that I'm in his life again. It almost feels as though I'm dreaming and when I wake up, this life that I have with him will disappear. 

I love going to SCA events with him, the movies, snuggling up and watching movies/TV at home, the laughter we share, the pairing that we have with doing scrolls for the SCA, the kisses and hugs, waking up a little when he says good bye to me in the morning when he tells me "I love you, baby". So many new memories and remembering stuff from when we together before. 

When people wonder if there's just one person out there for them, a soul mate, I can honestly tell them there is. He takes care of me as I take care of him. And there's nowhere else I'd rather be. 

Soul mates. He completes me. I feel completely whole now. And I want this feeling to last forever. 

New Life

Things that changed my life: My children have been taken away from me, Ex bf/roommate moved out, I'm diagnosed bipolar, still dealing with Crohn's from time to time. I've been broken. I've been fixed. Several times over. And, yet, I still meander along this thing called life. It has brought me down to depths so low I never knew existed. It has also brought me so high I swear I could touch the stars. And then comes love.

To love another is to see the face of God, they say. Can't say that I believe in God, but I've seen something. This love scares me. I've built such a wall over the last few years that I'm having a hard time allowing it to fall. Each day I love, a chip of it falls away. I love him as I've loved no other, as if I've loved him all my life and had to wait for the right time to be with him. Now is that time. We waited a long time for this.

I traveled several miles and left my life behind. I left with no regrets. As I traveled I knew each mile was bringing me closer to him. I could start to feel him again, although, I don't think I ever stopped feeling him. I would check his Facebook from time to time to make sure he was OK. I still worried about him and thought about him and dreamed about him even though I was with another.

I've been having issues with the bipolar lately. We've been arguing because I'm rapid cycling and even the littlest things set me off. You know what he said? He said it's OK. Those two words mean the world to me. It's OK. I told him he didn't sign up for this and he replied that he thought he had. A love so pure, so real, so deep. And it's OK that I'm sick. There are only two other people that have said it's OK and that's my best friend and my mom. To be so broken and still loved, there's nothing like it. It's comforting, a little overwhelming and a whole lot of wonderful.

That first date almost four years ago now. Couple of beers at the bar. Then back to his place where he made breakfast at 2 in the morning and we talked till dawn. We talked about everything and nothing and it was all so wonderfully magic. I craved seeing him again. Love at first sight? Maybe. But something began that night. Something that grew deeper and deeper.

He has always held my heart. He has always been on my mind. I thanked him for letting me back into his life and he told me that I never left. And I don't think I did. I never stopped thinking about him. I never stopped wondering about him.

I never stopped loving him.

The Only Thing ~ Stabbing Westward

http://youtu.be/LYp-R7mNJmg