Dear Diary...

Holding On

2010-11-18T21:42:00.002-05:00

So much has happened in the months since I last posted...I talked things over with the man I thought was wrong for me. But, he has shown me that love can have several levels. Understanding is key. Support is essential. And he has shown me understanding and support. He loves me for me. He considers my children like his own. I miss him when we're not together. I look forward to snuggling up in his arms at night.

But while I have a shining light in the darkness, there are shadows lurking. The ex is making things very difficult to keep going. I'm doing the best I can to fulfill my obligations, but no one is hiring at a rate falsely stated in the divorce papers. He never includes me in any decision regarding our children. It feels as though I'm just going in circles. I feel like he's still punishing me for wronging him in our marriage and using our kids as leverage in getting his revenge.

I can't help that I can't get a job making what the court expects me to. My current job is "under no obligation" to hire me full time because of my availability. Which is funny that it's ok for some people to nit be full-flex but full time. And nowhere in the Standard Operating Procedures does it say an employee has to be available on weekends. I'm trying as hard as I can.

And the harder I try, the more I fail.

Thanks to my wonderful immune system, I catch everything that comes around. I'm out sick often. No employer wants that. I'm skating on thin ice because of my disease and absences. One more write up and I'm fired.

I can't win.

My fiancée is working two jobs to pay our bills. Bills I'm not able to help with because the state takes most of my pay for support that was based upon false information. I can't even afford my health insurance. And if I drop it, they consider my meager pay too much to qualify for any help. My paycheck doesn't even cover my gas back and forth to work for two weeks.

I keep trying to hold on for my kids. For my family, but it's so hard...

Missing You

2010-05-23T09:56:00.002-04:00

I got to feel the arms of true love around me. I've missed that horribly.

Why am I doing this to myself? Once again in a relationship that isn't fulfilling. Especially when I've got true love at my fingertips...

I think of another at almost every point of my day. Dream of being in his arms. Feel his lips on mine. Hear his laughter and his whispers. Everything I am, he is. The connection is almost palpable. Others can see it. We can feel it. Even apart, we know what the other is thinking, feeling.

How many people can say they've truly found their soul mate? The person that breathes with you. The person whose heart beats in time with yours. The person who fills in where ou fail and rises you up to succeed? I have that just within my reach.

Why am I so afraid to grab it and live a life with him?

Am I already beaten down again to the point that I can't? Is my self-esteem so shattered in such a short time?

I want to run into his arms and never let go....

Again

2010-05-12T10:19:00.002-04:00

Fighting again. What a way to begin the day.

This time,we're fighting about my going to Greenwich Village with a male friend to listen to some middle Eastern music and watch some belly dancing. He feels that my friend has intentions of stealing me away from him. That he trusts me but not my friend. To me, it sounds as though he wants me to stay home and do nothing.

I understand how hurt he's been before and why he has trust issues. But he doesn't seem to understand my need to go out on my own. To have my own friends.

Not to toot my own horn, but I'm sure that more than one of my male friends has thought about sleeping with me. He'll, I've thought about it with them. It's a healthy thing. But, being that I'm with someone, I wouldn't act upon that and I know that they wouldn't either.

I feel that he doesn't trust me at all. That he doesn't trust me to say no should things become inappropriate. He says that I can do what I like, but that he's frustrated that I want to do things without him.

I can't have this again. I feel myself slipping because I don't wantto create waves. And I'm fighting with myself not to allow it to happen again.

I feel so alone and so fed up with it all...

Run Away

2010-05-08T17:56:00.002-04:00

I want to run away.

Nothing is as it seems. Some days I feel as though the smile on my face is just painted there.

I was out on Wednesday. Met with and hung with someone very special at a truely magical place. Later, a couple friends joined us. It was the first time in a while that I really laughed.

The honeymoon is over. Things aren't as perfect as everyone thinks. I'm reminded a lot of my ex husband. And it scares me. I'm so deep into this relationship that I really think it's too late. Is that possible? Is it ever too late?

I just want to run. Far away. From everything. To a new place where no one knows me....

My Own Worst Enemy

2010-04-25T13:39:00.002-04:00

Supposed to be happy, right? I have a wonderful man who gives me everything I want and need.

Why do I feel like something's missing?

I haven't sewn in months. I miss it. I don't really hang out with anyone. I miss it. I miss being with people. I miss so much.

But I put a smile on my face and face each day showing the world that I'm happy because I'm supposed to be right?

Then why am I here at home, alone, watching the best movie I've seen in years, crying and wondering why I'm here at all?

Got sick again. Missed quite a bit of days at my crappy job. Can't seem to get ahead of this flare and it's really getting me down. No one deserves to have to see me like this. I don't deserve to feel like this my kids don't deserve a mother in my condition. My boyfriend and his boys don't deserve to watch this. My family doesn't deserve to watch this. My friends don't deserve it.

Why do I keep going?

Mistake?

2009-12-27T14:33:00.001-05:00

I think about relationships past. How I seem to need someone in my life. Why can't I just be by myself?

Has he done this to me? Left me alone for so long that I can't be alone any more? I'm told that I'm stronger than that. That I should be able to just be by myself. I don't like being alone though. I enjoy closeness and companionship. I didn't have it for so long that I crave it now.

Is there something wrong with that?

Yes, Finn has been gone for just a couple of months now. And, yes, I still miss him everyday. But don't I deserve someone to be happy with? The person I've been seeing has been making me happy. Perhaps he's filling a void, but I think that without having someone to share things with, there's always a void to be filled. Wouldn't friends be considered filling a void, or hobbies?

Perhaps this is just a rebound. Who knows? But if that's the case, my whole life has been full of rebounds. The ex, Finn, the guys I've dated in high school....

I just wish there could be a happy medium somewhere.

Beautiful Day

2009-11-15T13:20:00.000-05:00

Mid-November and its 70 degrees outside. Un-friggin-believable!

My babies are here this weekend. We're outside, enjoying the weather. Princess is playing chalk and Little Man is playing with his Play-Doh. Actually, they're also hunting for acorns.

Yesterday was rainy and chilly. We watched movies all day. They took turns picking which movie to watch and then I picked what to watch at bedtime last night. Dinner, bath, ice cream and a movie. What a perfect night. =)

I've dug out a comfy chair. Set it up in the driveway as the kids play. Its days like this I wish would last forever.....

Never Imagined...

2009-11-12T19:16:00.002-05:00

...it would feel like this.

I thought I'd be OK. I'm strong now. Everyone says so. I was told I was strong enough to get through this.

So why am I sitting here, bawling my eyes out?

I miss him. I miss him a lot. Miss laughing with him, talking with him, falling asleep and waking up in his arms. I miss it all.

And it hurts. A lot.

I know we'll always be friends. I know he'll always be a part of my life.

But I'm in the anger stage.

I'm so jealous he got to run away from that which bothered him. I wish I could run away. Every day, I have to face the memories. Every day, I have to pass through town where he lived. I want to run away from that. Why don't I get to run away? I know that the memories would still be there, but they wouldn't be slamming in my face every fucking day. Its just not fair.

And then I get mad that he left me. I understand there were other reasons, but the selfishness takes over and I just see it as he left me. Left me standing there, crying, not able to convince him to stay for me. And I do get so angry for that. Then I question myself as to what I could have done differently to make him stay. Then I get angry all over again, think he's a dick and want to hit something.

I was allowed true happiness for the first time in many, many years. True happiness with a partner. Someone who really understood me. And now, its gone. Ripped away. How is that allowed? Its just not right. I don't understand. We loved each other. We were happy. Why wasn't it enough? Why does it have to hurt so fucking bad?

A Year

2009-11-10T11:23:00.003-05:00

A year is both a long time and a short time.

A year ago, September, my ex kicked me out of the house. That seems like a really long time ago.

A year ago tonight, I first met Finn for a beer at the local bar. That doesn't seem so long ago.

My babies are 6 and 4. There are times when it feels like I was just pregnant with them.

A year is the time frame that I have given myself for moving out of Mom's and getting my own place. And this seems like forever.

Looking back on the past year gives me hope for the future years to come. I am finding myself a little more every day. Realized a few things about myself about the type of partner I'd like to one day have in my life, and won't settle for anything less (not that there are any prospects lined up...). Am realizing how I want to live my life and the things that I want to do.

I'm in a place right now where I have good friends surrounding me. I have reconnected with old acquaintances who are turning out to be really good people. I'm meeting new people. And the people that I don't want in my life, I've basically just stopped contact with them. I'm shedding ideas that one has to have many things. Getting rid of a lot of my past, while looking ahead to the future, both mentally and materially.

So, a lot has happened in the past 12 months. And a lot is going to happen in the next 12. I have goals. I have uncertainties. But its time to get my life on track, and maybe if that happens, other aspects of my life will fall into place...

Strong

2009-11-03T09:35:00.004-05:00

I'm trying to be strong during this transition period. But its not easy.

For those that don't know, Finn moved away. The man who very quickly wound his way around my heart and became my best friend as well as my partner moved half a country away.

And took my heart with him.

Its a week today.

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to keep the smile on my face. But its not always easy. In fact, its damn hard.

I miss him.

I wish I had told him more about how I felt, but I was never very good at expressing my feelings in spoken word. I wish that there was more I could have done to keep him here. But I know that's selfish. This town was snuffing him out. He needed to get out of here.

Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't allowed myself to fall in love with him. But how could I not? He's funny, sweet, smart, handsome, sexy, lovable, snuggly. We share so much in common. He's everything I could have ever asked for. I have never regretted meeting him, nor will I ever regret ever being with him.

We had a wonderful year together. Memories that will last a lifetime. And I'm not talking huge memories, just the many laughs and good times that we had together, and even the tears and rougher patches. He helped me to find myself again. The goofy person that I am. And its nice to know that I can be loved for being a goof.

Finn, if you ever read this, I will always love you. I miss you, but I will be strong and get through this. It hurts. Hell, it hurts a lot. But, you will always be a part of me and my life.

I love you.

Painted on My Heart

2009-11-01T13:31:00.002-05:00

I thought you'd be out of my mind
And I'd finally found a way to
Learn to live without you

I thought it was just a matter of time
Till I had a hundred reasons
Not to think about you

But its just not so
And after all this time, I still can't let go

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby

I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of your fingertips
This love so deep inside of me

I was trying everything that I can
To get my heart to forget you
But it just can't seem to

I guess its just no use
In every part of me
Is still a part of you

And I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory, baby

I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of her fingertips
This love so deep inside of me, baby

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart, oh baby

Something in your eyes keeps haunting me
I'm trying to escape you
And I know there ain't no way to
To chase you from my mind

I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory baby

I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips
This love so deep inside of me, baby

I've still got your face
I've still got your face
Painted on my heart
Painted on my heart

"Painted on My Heart", The Cult

The Promise

2009-10-28T18:15:00.001-04:00

If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart.

"The Promise", Tracy Chapman, New Beginning, 1995

New Phase

2009-10-18T12:11:00.003-04:00

In a couple of weeks, I am starting the next phase of my life.

I am not happy about this. But, I realize that there is nothing I can do or say that will change the fact that my life will once again be turned upside down.

Luckily, I'm stronger now. But it still hurts. I don't want to say good bye to this phase as its been a wonderful phase. But I know I have to. I don't have a choice.

At least I still have a little time to enjoy this phase.

And enjoy it I will.

"Against All Odds"

2009-10-11T09:27:00.001-04:00

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
Its the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now

Phil Collins, "Against All Odds", 1984

Stupid

2009-08-03T23:01:00.003-04:00

I.hate.this.

These stupid, idiotic pain pills certainly help the pain. But now, the side effects are starting to kick in. I don't know that escaping from the pain is worth what I feel inside.

I'm over analyzing everything right now. And creating problems. Again.

I'm taking something that is probably very innocent and blowing it way out of proportion.

I'm such an idiot.

I really am.

Stupid Knee

2009-08-01T09:36:00.003-04:00

I have had problems with my knees since I was 12 years old. I have a condition called Chondromalacia ( http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/patelladisorders/a/chondromalacia.htm ). It hasn't bothered me in about 15 years, save for weather changes (yes, I can predict the weather with my knees). But ever since this past Monday night, its been a whole different story.

I can barely walk. My right knee is swollen and really painful. I bought a brace at CVS on Tuesday morning and without it, I don't think I'd be walking at all. Yesterday, Finn and I went to see "Transformers" (which was AWESOME) and I couldn't get comfortable in the seat ~ my knee kept cramping up. I'm even thinking of going over to Goodwill today to see if they have a cane or crutches for sale; something to help keep the weight off my leg and maybe help it heal.

Went to the doc yesterday. She says I need an MRI. Well, I told her I probably need an MRI or X-rays and she agreed. She verified that the knee is swollen in comparison to my left one. She also prescribed some ibuprofen (which works much better than trying to take four OTC ibuprofen) and some Ultram for the night. The Ultram works wonderfully! And the ibuprofen keeps most of the edge off during the day. We're trying to manage the swelling and pain until I get my benefits in a couple of weeks so I can get that MRI.

The only thing I'm afraid of is this is the beginning of my journey to a new knee. I've always known that that's a possibility. The chondromalacia has continually worn away the cartilage in my knees. I'm afraid that the right one has given up its fight. I'm sure that having the Crohn's, which is an auto-immune disorder, hasn't helped the cause either. There are things that are going on in my body that are related to the Crohn's. In all honesty, I've had a feeling that things were getting worse, that my body wasn't feeling the same for a few months now. I just haven't had the money to get blood work and such done to confirm.

I will keep you updated as the days/weeks go by. But I wouldn't be surprised if I post from my hospital bed after replacement surgery.

Bleh

2009-07-11T15:47:00.003-04:00

That about sums it up for the day.

I had wanted to go to New Hampshire to meet up with old friends for this weekend. That meant I would have had to bring my kids. So I asked the ex. He said no. So, here I am.

Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled to be seeing my kids. To have their arms wrapped around my neck in a tiny version of a bear hug is something I look forward to. Its just that, well, something has been calling me home. And I was really looking forward to spending some time with my friends and their families.

Its so strange. Lately, I have been feeling this pull that says I need to go back to New Hampshire. I don't understand it. There is something that keeps telling me I need a change. I don't have any money. I wouldn't have anywhere to live. I'd have no job up there. I don't know that I'd want to move back there. I just need a change.

And its not that I'm not happy here. Mom's here. Kids are here. Finn's here. Friends are here. I'm very happy here. Almost too happy.

So what is my problem? Why do I want a change? And its not even neccessarily back home. I've been thinking of going across country to see some family. Or down south to visit more family. Hell, I have friends in California that I haven't seen for 20 years!

Maybe I just need a vacation. I just need to get away for a few days. I've got July 31st through August 5th off from work. We'll see which way the wind blows...

Look! Glitter!

2009-06-20T21:06:00.003-04:00

That's how I feel tonight...don't show me anything shiny because I'll lose focus on what I'm doing.

I've been working on a new halter for my shop for about three hours now. It should be done by now. However, within those three hours, I've watched the end of one Pirates of the Caribbean, watched the whole of another, am watching National Treasure now, sewing some of the halter, fixed a pair of pants for Finn, played some online games, surfed Facebook, ate, munched on watermelon, rested my poor broken toe, pet the cat, ate again.

And I can't stay focused.

And I still have much to do before going to bed. Like cleaning my room and washing dishes. Oh, and a load of laundry. But before the laundry, I have to finish the halter. During laundry, I'll clean.

If I can stay focused.

I need to get off the damn computer.

Do I see glitter?

Another Reason....

2009-06-17T11:27:00.003-04:00

To curse out my ex for giving me so much crap the other day.

I was moving furniture in my room to make room for a dresser that I just got at Goodwill (a great bargain, I might add. Good shape, $6.97.). Not a big piece, just a small bookshelf. Its on wheels. Easy, peasy, right?

WRONG!

I ran over my toe. In the process, I bent my toenail backwards. MY WHOLE FOOT HURTS! Seriously. My toe is on fire and my foot is throbbing all the way into my calf muscle.

So, I'm silently cursing the whole world right now. Me, for having so much crap and the rest just because.

Why?

2009-06-12T00:41:00.001-04:00

So I had a panic attack tonight. In fact, it may still be going on. I can't shut my brain off to sleep. And so now I'm panicing about not getting any sleep before I have to get up at 4:30 to be at work at 5:45.

This two job thing is killing me. All I'm trying to do is keep my head above water. I can barely pay my cell bill. I can't pay my car insurance for another two weeks. They'll cancel it before then. Then I can't drive to work.

This is what goes through my brain.

I keep trying to call my kids. According to the ex, he gives Princess the phone, so she has the decision to answer it or not. I haven't spoken to them in almost two weeks. Sometimes, I don't know why I bother.

I gave Finn a hard time tonight. Guilt trip. For no reason. In the height of my attack. Not the first time I've done it either. So, of course, I'm obsessing over that. I'm such an idiot sometimes.

But I blame the ex for a lot of it. I lost so much of myself over the years, that I'm very insecure about myself now. I pretend that I'm OK. That life is just duckie. Truth is, parts of it just suck. And when I get these attacks, I attack everyone around me. I want them to hurt like I hurt. And I hate that I do that. I really hate myself after.

Like I hate myself for lashing out at Finn tonight.

I don't understand how I can pour my heart out here. I suppose I feel anonymous. That the internet is like smoke...I can hide in the cloud under a screen name. I need to talk to those that care about me-not faceless beings that hide behind their own screen name.

What I need is a magic switch to turn off my brain right now. I'm so burnt out. I need some sleep. But the sandman has refused to visit me so far tonight.

Maybe if I just try and convince myself, like I've convinced others, that life is duckie, I can drift off to dream land....

Reflections

2009-05-27T08:53:00.003-04:00

As I was falling asleep last night, I had thoughts on how happy I've been lately.

And for some reason, I keep thinking that something's going to happen to destroy all of that.

I'm not used to being happy. I've gotten past the feeling that I don't deserve this. I know I deserve this. I just keep thinking that everything I've built over the past months is going to come crashing down on top of me.

My kids are doing fine. Finn and I are wonderful (he's wonderful). My finances are in the toilet, but I'm coming to terms that that is my new reality. Its just weird.

Maybe its because I haven't been truly happy for so long that I am wary about feeling this way. I know I deserve this. I know this is mine for the taking. Why do I doubt it? But, by the same token, why don't I stop smiling?

Maybe I should just stop obsessing about it. Maybe I should try to curb my neurosis and just let things ride.

Hell, it could also be because I'm nervous about this weekend...Finn is joining me and the kids to the movies on Saturday. This will be the first outing with them and Finn. I know everything will be fine. Its not like he's the boyfriend du-jour. We really are happy together, and I really hope that we won't be breaking up anytime soon. I think Saturday will be fine.

Everything will be fine.

It has to be.

Awesome News

2009-05-02T14:55:00.003-04:00

I think I had reported before about my Little Man refusing to potty train. Well, I don't know what happened, but he's trained!!!!! Yay!!!!!!

Little Man is growing up.
*sniff*

Neat Find

2009-05-02T12:55:00.003-04:00

I was perusing the Etsy forums and came across this neat link: http://myetsybook.com. It's where you can create a catalog with the items from your shop.

Here's mine: http://www.myetsybook.com/EtsyBook.html?id=6223513

I don't know...I thought it was pretty neat!

Freedom

2009-04-29T11:07:00.003-04:00

My divorce was final on April 22, 2009. I am officially a divorced woman.

What does this mean? I'm already in a relationship, so I'm not a free woman. Or am I?

Since being asked to move out and meeting my boyfriend, my creativity has soared to heights I haven't seen in a long time. I'm free to be my own person. Actually, I am encouraged to be my own person. I'm creating jewelry again. I'm sewing again. I'm laughing again.

Yes, the tears are still there. My anxiety creeps up on me and overwhelms me at times. And I sink into a slight depression, but I'm not there for very long. The episodes used to last so much longer. I'm in a really good place emotionally right now.

Its still an uphill battle. It gets easier as the days go on. As I find myself little by little each day.

I was speaking with a really old friend of mine (from first grade) last night. I mentioned that I'm in a really good place emotionally right now. And I am. He thought that was great. He remembered me being really fun to be around. I think I'm there again. The free thinking of childhood. Yes, I have responsibilities now, bills, kids, etc., but I'm free to think and act upon those thoughts.

I'm really enjoying that freedom and the man who likes me for the woman that I am.

When It Rains...

2009-04-23T11:37:00.004-04:00

So, I was out of work for a week. This means I don't get paid for a whole week. Ouch.

Today, I have to see a lung specialist for my check up of my pneumonia. That's $50 that I don't have as I have to stretch last week's paycheck through till next Friday.

The other day, I realized that the tire I have a hole in isn't holding air the way it needs to. In other words, I'm stopping at the gas station every couple of days to put air in it. Well, because I have four-wheel-drive, I can't just replace one tire - I have to replace two in order to save my transfer case from blowing up.

I already owe my mother for my meds from last week that cost $150 WITH insurance. Now, she said that she would loan me the money to fix my tires. I'm going to owe this woman for the rest of my life!

Haven't gotten the quote for replacing the tires yet. And, of course, I can't have cheap tires on the car, I have to have a name brand. And, unfortunately, I really like this brand because they hold up well. Well, except to things poking them and gouging them. But, I would like to go home to New Hampshire sometime soon and I was told that my car stays home unless I get the tires fixed. So, I guess I have no choice.

I really need a full time job.

Promoting

2009-04-23T10:18:00.005-04:00

I don't usually like to use my diary as a promoting tool, but I just can't help myself as I'm really excited to have actually listed some of my chain maille!

Beachcomber Dragon Scale Bracelet

Love Link in Pink

Sparkles Captured

So, there you go. Three new pieces in a new section. I've thrown my hat into the jewelry ring. Its a risk, but what the hell, you can't go through life not risking anything! :)

Levaquin

2009-04-18T22:25:00.005-04:00

This is the antibiotic that I was put on for the double pneumonia. No wonder I feel the way I do. One of the side effects is depression. So, pile the side effects on top of being a virtual shut in, and you get one very messed up person.

Less serious Levaquin side effects may include:
*nausea, diarrhea, constipation;
*feeling restless, anxious, or depressed;
*headache, dizziness;
*muscle pain;
*sleep problems (insomnia or nightmares);
*vaginal itching or discharge; or
*mild skin itching.

So, I've got the restlessness and depression. I've got the headache (although that could be from coughing and blowing my nose). I've got the sleep problems (have had to take some sleeping pills the last few nights).

Great. And I'm only halfway through my script.

Stupid Pneumonia

2009-04-18T21:45:00.004-04:00

That depression that I talked about last night? Yeah. It hit. Full-bore. And I called him and made him feel guilty and that was totally NOT my intent. Seriously, the last thing I wanted was to make him feel guilty. I just didn't know who else to call. And now the guilt of how I made him feel is on my shoulders. Which just makes things worse.

I'm just so sick of these walls. And I should be happy. I heard the words I longed to hear tonight after a wonderful picnic with him by the river. It was beautiful. I really didn't want the night to end. But he said he was tired and I should rest and that was it.

Then he said that he was going out. And that's where the good feeling ended.

I appreciate that he didn't lie to me about his night. I really do. But it upsets me a little that he knew that I didn't want to be home tonight. I want to be anywhere but here.

I'm trying to hold on to the night that happened beforehand. I really am, but the walls are closing in on me. I swear. I know every crack in the wall. I know what needs painting. I know the spots in the carpet.

And, gah! I feel horrible about making Finn feel horrible. Which only makes the sadness I feel about being home that much worse. I seriously didn't mean to make him feel bad. I just needed to lash out at something and he was it. And I'm so sorry that I did that. That wasn't fair to him.

So, Finn, if you're reading...I'm sorry, baby.........

Someone Smack Me

2009-04-17T20:44:00.003-04:00

The depression of being sick all week is setting in. I'm tired of the computer. I'm tired of the TV. A short excursion completely wears me out. How the hell am I going to work on Monday?

I am so sick of being sick. Seriously. Either kill me or move on already.

Alive....

2009-04-17T13:57:00.003-04:00

.....barely.

I feel half-dead. I'm getting better. I can tell. But my energy level, on a scale of 1 to 10, is negative 100. Just thinking about pulling on a bra and t-shirt to go pick up my paycheck wears me out. My right lung hurts. The center of my chest hurts when I cough. Getting run over by a mac truck has nothing on the way I feel right now. Have you seen Final Destination? The one where the girl gets obliterated by the bus? That's probably closer to how I feel.

I'm sorry for the pity party here. I'm just venting. Bored. Tired. Icky. And I needed to get that out.

Neurotic

2009-04-14T23:02:00.002-04:00

Just as an FYI:

fever + period + morphine + illness = heightened neurosis

These things do not mix well. Disregard half the last post. That was my crazy ramblings. Yeah, I said it. I was crazy rambling. OCD sucks.

Been A While

2009-04-14T19:35:00.003-04:00

So, I'm still alive. I think. I went to the ER yesterday because I was coughing up a little blood. The docs are erring on the side of caution and although they sent me home, they're treating me for tuberculosis. I know, TB? In today's day and age? Well, the meds that I was put on for the Crohn's has lowered my immune system enough to make me susceptible to the infection. I think I only have pneumonia, but I'd rather they take the precautions necessary. So I'm home. Not allowed to go anywhere. Except stir crazy. I've played all my crack games on Facebook. Faxed the courthouse regarding my divorce, texted friends. Frittered the day away online. I'm too bored to sleep even. I'm going to have to take a sleeping pill later.

While I was in the ER, they gave me a dose of morphine. This was good...it immediately took away the pain in my joints from my fever. Bad thing? Remember my last post about wanting to say something that I haven't been able to? Yeah. Well. I said it. Or rather, I text it.

So, I think that in my morphine-induced coma, I screwed up a really good relationship. I'm being completely neurotic about it. Have been all day. I keep wondering if I screwed up. I really want to talk to him, but I can't have contact with him. And he's not really a phone person. This bites in so many ways. I suppose I should take it as a sign that he's still texting me, right? That maybe I didn't screw up that horribly? I don't know....

Being sick. Screwing up relationships. Sounds like my MO.

Just Say It All Ready!

2009-04-01T20:51:00.005-04:00

I wish I could. I don't understand why I can't. I know I want to. But something is holding me back. Could it be fear? Maybe that's all...I'm afraid of the fallout from saying something and appearing too needy? I don't think that's the word I'm looking for.

Even though I believe that what I want to say would be reciprocated, I'm still scared. I don't understand why, though. I'm trying to live life as it comes with little fear, but still.

ARGH!!!!!!!

I just wish that the next time I was asked "what?", I could answer truthfully, knowing that my answer would be reciprocated. Instead of just saying "nothing".

First Weekend of Spring

2009-03-21T19:30:00.002-04:00

I get to spend the first weekend of the season of renewal with my children. What better way to celebrate the new season than with the fresh faces of my babies.

Last night, I picked them up from daycare and we went to McDonald's where we ate and they played for a while. We went shopping after to pick up a few things and get the Little Man a little something for his birthday. Princess picked out her bathing suit for the summer (which looks adorable). Today, we picked up some milk and mac n cheese at the store and then went bowling. Dinner was hot dogs with mac n cheese. Gotta love children.

Tomorrow should prove to be fun. It's supposed to be near 60 and sunny tomorrow so I figured we'd go to the park. They don't know yet, though...it's my little surprise for them. I can't wait to see their little faces when I tell them we're going. Maybe I'll even make fluffernutters and we'll picnic at the park. There's plenty of tables and such or I even have a blanket in the car.

Of course, to make this weekend over-the-top perfect (not that it's not perfect already)? Just need one more person...

*sigh*

I Am Such a Dork ♥

2009-03-18T21:52:00.002-04:00

All it says under status is: "In a Relationship".

That's it.

And yet, this thrills me.

I am such a dork.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

A Meeting and Such

2009-03-17T05:13:00.003-04:00

I have a meeting this morning at Princess' school. Apparantly, she's having a little difficulty with her letters and sight words so we're meeting with her teacher and helpers to see what can be done to help her. She's a very smart little girl, but her mind just may not be mature enough for this. There is nothing else that she is having a problem with, so we'll see what happens. If she doesn't improve by June, there is talk of keeping her back. But, I'd like to try everything possible first. She's my girl after all. She'll get through this. And, if she needs to stay back, so be it, but I'd like her to give it a good fight, though. :)

In other news, of which there isn't much. Worried about a couple of friends that are dealing with a lot of shit right now. One needs a lot of support as she goes through a bump in life. OK, a pothole in life, but hey. Luckily, I've been where she is right now, so I can give her experienced advice. Now if she'd just listen to me...My other friend is dealing with health issues with his wife. She's very ill, chronically so. And, while I worry about her, I worry more for him. He's so busy taking care of her, that he forgets about himself. She's got pain medicine to take away her aches, but he has nothing. And while I can give him support, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things OK. I wish I were able to gather them both up in a big hug and just hold them.

Finn and I are doing well. I really enjoy spending time with him. And just being with him makes me happier than I've been in a while. I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of my feelings and I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same. I know he cares quite a bit, but I'm not sure just how much. I wish I could just tell him...

I Have a Video!

2009-03-13T15:22:00.003-04:00

NursesNaturally ( http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=82203 ) had run a thread regarding the paranormal back around Halloween. I had posted in the thread saying that I do believe in the paranormal because I had seen my grandfather after he had passed. She asked if one day, she could use my story on her blog. I agreed.

Well, today, she featured my shop with a video! How seriously awesome is that????

See it here: http://uniquenurses.blogspot.com/

I think this is totally awesome!!!!!

Just A Couple of Misfits

2009-03-11T18:55:00.003-04:00

This was how a fellow co-worker described Finn and I. That this is the reason why we get along so well and click.

We're misfits.

I suppose we are. I know I've had a hard time fitting in during my lifetime. Places where I thought I belonged and I really didn't. People who I thought were my friends that really weren't. Things I wanted to be and really didn't.

I have come to realize that I'm an artist. Artists seem to be misfits. We dance to the beat of our own drummer. This past weekend, Finn kept introducing me as a seamstress. I suppose that is what I am. I also keep expanding my chain maille abilities - pushing myself to learn different weaves.

I am comfortable being a misfit.

Busy Days

2009-03-04T19:51:00.004-05:00

So, Finn got back last night. Yay! heehee

I went over for dinner and a movie. I made dinner, he provided the movie. Dinner? Mexican rice and fresh kielbasa. Movie? Boondock Saints. Which was awesome, by the way.

I missed him. More than I thought I would.

So, tonight, I finish sewing my new cloak. Don't worry, pictures will be forthcoming on Flickr. And, I have to hem my skirt a little bit...don't want it dragging in the mud.

Lots of work!

Just a question: why does my heart skip a beat when I catch him looking over at me?

Bed'll Be Cold

2009-03-01T00:27:00.000-05:00

So, Finn left on his trip. He won't be back until sometime Tuesday. And then Friday, we leave on our trip.

I had told him I was going to miss him just a smidge.

He told me his bed will be cold.

Guess that's as good as saying "I'll miss you, too."

And it feels kinda good that I'll be missed.

Are There Any Happy Marriages?

2009-02-18T12:57:00.005-05:00

I hardly like to refer to an Etsy Etc. forum thread. But this one really stuck to me.

http://www.etsy.com/forums_thread.php?thread_id=6048064

Are there really any happy marriages?

I thought I had one. I sacrificed everything for him. I sacrificed the one thing in the world that should mean more than anything. Myself.

I endured major depression. I endured continual stress to be what I thought he wanted. I stifled my creativity. I stifled me. I tried to be his perfect little girlfriend/wife. Did I have to do this? Probably not. But, he made clear his dissatifaction of things I liked or did. So I stopped doing them.

I realize now that this is not healthy. I should never have given up me for him. I realize now that I am so much more. The friends I have kept and made like me for being the silly and creative person that I am. They like being around me. What a great ego boost to know that I don't have to change to have people like me. The relationship I'm in now makes me so very happy. While we don't always see eye-to-eye and we don't have everything in common, we get along because we're able to be ourselves.

Some sacrifice is necessary. Sacrificing all isn't.

Sacrifice

2009-02-17T21:14:00.004-05:00

Not human or animal. Jeez.

I'm talking about sacrifice of the soul.

I think so often about the crap I'm going through right now. Emerging from my cuccoon. I can feel the shreds of my former self falling away. I can feel the old me coming through.

Lately, though, it's been really difficult. I've been stumbling. In a way, I think this is because of the new feelings in my heart.

I didn't expect Finn to drop into my life. I know, everything happens for a reason. He's meant to be here with me. I get that. What I don't get is why now? Why fall in love? Is he here to help me on my journey? Maybe that's it. Because he has helped me. He helps me all the time. By caring. By listening. By being there. And, of course, making me laugh and feel special is just icing on the cake. And the least I can do is return all that he gives to me by giving him the same from me. He tells me I'm too good to him. In all fairness, he's way too good to me. :)

But, in all seriousness...I don't ask myself anymore if I'm worth it. I know I am. I'm worth making my life my own. I'm worth taking the reins and controlling it again. Yes, I still get upset by what Exman says (he gets so hurtful at times). But I'm finding that I don't get upset for the length of time that I used to. I don't shed tears over what he says anymore. I'm realizing that they're just words. He's lashing out as his control slips. I know who I am. I know what I am. Am I a bitch for that? Quite possibly. But no one seems to think so.

And, honestly, I don't care if I'm thought of as a bitch. Why are strong women considered bitches? I'm not stomping on anyone. There is no bloodbath. There are no bodies. Some fires, but those were set for fun. I'm just living day by day.

There is no telling there will be a tomorrow.

It's Going to be OK

2009-02-16T08:21:00.003-05:00

Yeah.

I think it is.

I went out for a few hours just by myself last night. I parked down by the river, watched as the river raced past. Watched the lights of the town dance on its surface. With music playing and notebook in hand, I wrote. I wrote down what was in my head and my heart. I haven't done that in a while.

And you know what? It felt good. Awesome even.

By the time I found my way home, I was in much higher spirits. I'm still scared as hell, but I'm more comfortable with what happened and what was said. And I realized that it's OK to be scared.

Life is a roller coaster.

And I get to ride it with a new love and awesome friends. ;P

Frightened

2009-02-15T18:00:00.003-05:00

I just realized how scared I am.

I'm scared of my feelings.

I'm scared of what happened last night.

I'm scared of the future.

I'm scared there won't be a tomorrow.

I'm scared of so much.

I can't help but wonder if everything that has been sacrificed is worth this much pain. I mean, telling Finn that I'm falling in love with him last night scares me.

Why do I fear my feelings? Is it because these are true feelings from my true self? Is it because I haven't felt like this in so long? Because I don't want to screw this relationship up? These are my feelings. I shouldn't be scared of them.

Why is this so hard? It was so easy so many years ago. Does it change that much as you grow older? Is it because I've had to say good bye to my past? Am I mourning the person I thought I had to be? I look back and there's nothing to mourn. She was nothing. Am I mourning what I thought was happiness? I mean, honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Why am I crying then?

Why am I questioning everything that has happened up until this point?

I hate this. I really fucking hate this.

Cat's Out of the Bag

2009-02-15T15:22:00.002-05:00

So, yesterday was good. We worked the afternoon together. He text me Happy Valentine's Day. It was all so sweet. Before I left his place in the morning, I set up two candles, a monkey, a bear and a purple leather rose. He got home and told me I was a stinker.

Dinner was on me. I went over and cooked a meal fit for a king for him. But his sugars got too low and then it got scary. As I did the best I could to stay out of his way and move everything breakable to a safe location, I sat there on the verge of tears. I couldn't do anything to help him. And it sucked.

And I realized something. I realized that despite the fact that he has a chronic illness. Despite the fact that he could go into a coma or die at any moment. Despite the fact that I don't know that we'll have tomorrow together. I am certainly falling in love with this man. And I cried when I realized that.

And I cried some more when he told me that the feeling is mutual.

I don't know what happens now. He was very upset that I had to witness that last night. And couldn't understand why I was still there when it was over. I was still there because I couldn't leave. At least not without knowing that he was OK. And then, when it was over, I started to pack up and tried to leave. I really did. But for some reason, I had the feeling that if I had walked out that door that night, I would never walk back in. And I want to get out of the habit of running away. Because I have a feeling that we've both done a lot of that in our lives.

I may not understand what happened to him last night, or what it feels like. But, he started on something about being sick all the time. I stopped him right in his tracks. I firmly told him not to go there because that I DO understand. I know what it's like to be sick all the time. To be so close to death that you can practically taste it. To wonder if you'll wake up in the morning. I know all that. So, while I don't know what it feels like to have my blood sugar drop so low to almost kill me, I do know what it's like to be sick.

I don't know what happens from here. I'm so emotionally drained today. I'm tired, but not tired. I have this nervous energy pulsing through my veins that I'm not quite sure what to do. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I'm not going anywhere. I know that what happened is a really awful aspect of the disease. I just want to hold him and make it all go away. For both of us.

Uruz

2009-02-11T22:40:00.004-05:00

So, I have thought more about this branding, or scarification, that I have been introduced to. I think I really want to have one done. Something different. Something to mark the new beginnings in my life.

This is the symbol I want: http://www.mystic-mouse.co.uk/Runes/Uruz.htm

The meaning is: "The strength to break through and move on. Ur is a sign of new beginnings, a time to shake off the past and to take advantage of new opportunities. Remember before each new beginning must come an ending and endings can be an emotional time but know that, ultimately, it will be to your benefit.

Live each day to its fullest, knowing that from every ending comes new life. Do whatever it takes to succeed and seize each moment so you will never come to regret missed chances.

A favourable time for high risk ventures."

Everything in my life right now is proof that I can break through and move on. I am embarking on a new beginning. I am trying to hard to seize each moment of every day. With these new beginnings come sacrifices. This is the emotional aspect.

I believe I will have this placed either above my left breast or on the upper part of my left arm since either place is close to my heart. Yes, I know it will hurt like hell. But, there is no moving on without some sort of pain. And the pain will remind me of the sacrifice. And the symbol will remind me of my new life.

Yes, this is something I want to do.

Love

2009-02-11T20:07:00.002-05:00

How do you know if you're in love? I mean, truly, head-over-heels in love. The kind of love you know is right. The kind of love that is true.

I'm at a point in my relationship with Finn that I'm comfortable being apart from him. Yes, I miss him (terribly!), but if I don't see him for a day or two, the world is not going to end.

When I'm with him, time seems to stand still. When we're out, there are times where it feels as though we are the only two people in the room. I get an amazing rush being near him. And when he reaches out for me...whoa!

He invited me to go with him for a weekend away. It wouldn't be just us, but us and some people he knows. But the fact that after such a short time he would ask me to join him seems major. I could be wrong. Remember, I've been out of this dating thing for 16 years! But, it does seem like a big deal. I know when I mentioned the key to a mutual friend, she nearly keeled over.

I could be totally off base with my thinking. I know I'm not rational about this at all. I keep telling myself that I could not be falling for him when I know that I am. Big time. I smile when I think of him. Laugh when I see something that reminds me of him and a joke we've shared. It's an amazing feeling to know that someone could care for you even though they know that you're a little crazy.

When we are together, it seems as though it's getting more and more difficult to say goodbye. Again, I could be reading way into this, but I honestly don't think so. I think that he's fighting with his feelings just as I am. We've both been hurt. I think we're both scared at this point. I want to tell him so bad what I feel, but I'm so scared that he'll run away. And I don't want that. I also don't want him to think that he's a rebound for he's not. I've been emotionless about my past relationship for so long, that I'm over him. And have been for some time.

I can tell you one thing, Finn makes me happy. He frustrates me. He challenges me. He holds me. He converses with me. He laughs with me. He hugs me while I cry. He listens to me. Never, in my whole life, have I had a partner that is like Finn. He's an amazing man and I feel so lucky to have him in my life.

Court

2009-02-07T19:11:00.003-05:00

Well, I had my first court date in regards to my divorce yesterday. It was supposed to be a default hearing and I guess I wasn't supposed to show up. Oops. My bad. Teehee.

Anyhoo.

The afternoon session was scheduled for 1:30. We didn't go before the judge until after 5. And she only called us because we were there and had waited all afternoon. We went through the court papers to see what I agreed with and what I didn't agree with. And I cleared up a few things, most especially the fact that I don't make the same amount of money that I did when the calculated the child support.

I thought that was funny. I wish I could've taken a picture of his and his attorney's face when I explained my work situation and salary. And explained that the amount they used to calculate was after 4 years of service. Since I had a new job in the same industry, new jobs don't start where you ended. Um duh. And I didn't go to college. Wouldn't it be nice if we could start a new job at a new company for the same amount we made before? Makes perfect sense and that happens all the time.

What are you, stupid? Can one answer this simple question? ARGH!!!!!

But, I guess it began when I overheard his father tell him that my being there could pose a problem. Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to ruin your day. But, since September, I've grown a set and I'm putting them to good use. I refuse to allow him to steamroll over me.

So, since once we got through all the points, it was nearing six o'clock, the judge dismissed us to come back on the 20th. Another day off, but it will be worth it. By then, I can have an attorney.

And fight back even harder.

My Moosie

2009-02-02T08:38:00.000-05:00

In asking Exman how the kids are doing (sick, just like me), I found out my Mooserpup died last night. Well, he's really not a puppy, he was nine years old...

We had gotten him as a house warming gift from my in-laws when we bought our first house in 1999. He was a Brittany. Such a spaz, but a great pup. Always brought a smile to your face with his antics.

I miss my pupper. I've missed him since I was told to leave. He was always a great dog. He was very loved and will be missed.

Another Birthday

2009-02-01T10:27:00.003-05:00

So, on Thursday, I celebrated my 34th...oops, I mean 29th...birthday. This year, it did not pass as another day. Finn and I went out for a beer with a few friends that night. That was fun just to hang. Then Friday, he took me out for sushi. That was cool! I really enjoyed the meal! Or, maybe it was the company. Probably both. :)

My coworkers got me a message cookie (which is really a 12" round cookie decorated like a cake) and a balloon. Finn got me a Ty beanie monkey. This was waiting for me at work on Thursday morning. How sweet is that? And then, the store manager made an announcement in the afternoon wishing me happy birthday. Which then prompted another department to wish me a happy birthday over the PA system. Twice. I was with a customer, so I covered my name tag and pulled my hat down over my head. But it was fun. Nice to work for a place that recognizes that.

So, it was agreed Friday night that I would plan for Valentine's Day. We are going to the movies on the 13th to see the remake of the Jason movie. Which I think is awesome. I love those horrible horror movies! But, he suggested that I plan something for Saturday. So, I have ideas. Lots of them. But I think I know what I'm doing. And it's a surprise, so I don't want to divulge those details just yet. It does involve something new, purple, silky and pretty, though, which he knows about that already.

He did mention something about me planning something for his birthday. Which caught me off guard. His birthday isn't until September. That's nine months away! I never thought that we would be together until then. I mean, I like him (quite a bit, and more than I think I'm admitting to myself) and he likes me (he seems to be waging the same war as I am with my feelings). But, nine months is a long time...we would be together for almost a year at that point. And when I mentioned something along these lines, he seemed a little disappointed that I wouldn't think we'd be together then. I don't know. I could be reading far too much into it. People who know me know I tend to do this.

For now, I am just taking one day at a time. I am comfortable with my relationship with Finn. We are still feeling our way through our days, but it seems like we're finding our way. I'm more comfortable with being with myself and more comfortable with taking the time for myself. But, when I'm with Finn, I feel the stirrings in my heart and it really makes me wonder what my feelings are. I'm scared of this. I'm scared of how I feel for him. I wasn't expecting him to come into my life. At all. I'm not regretting a day of the past few months in the least. I haven't been this happy in quite a while. But I've never been frightened of my own feelings before. I know he won't treat me the way I'm used to - he's one of the good guys.

As I reflect on a good birthday, I also look at myself. Another year older. Another year wiser? Possibly. Stumbling through life, trying to find my path. I'm getting closer. The road is still stretched out for miles ahead of me, but I've got my comfortable shoes on and I'm willing to walk. And fall. And pick myself back up. The black cloud is almost completely gone, just a few whispy tendrails remain. I feel stronger each and every day.

I think, as I look at the year ahead of me, I think I'm going to make it.

Stalker

2009-01-27T20:26:00.001-05:00

I had a stalker once. Scared the shit out of me when I found out about it. I thought I was careful. But he got to me anyway. But he's in jail for a few more years...

Ow I think I have another. Confirmed by moi the other night.

It's my ex.

I was wondering why he was following me and not going home when I dropped off the kids. I pulled into the liquor store and he roared by.

So he tells me today that I need to be giving him money and not spending it at the liquor store. Funny. I got reimbursed for my ppurchase at the store. Gotta love assumptions and conclusions.

And there's been other tidbits that he or someone is watching me and Finn. He's been told when I spend the night in town. He found out when I got pulled over for having a light out.

And I know he cyber-stalks me. He will say things to me that I've only mentioned online. He'll tell me he heard it from a "friend". Funny, most everyone I talk to onlinr can't stand him, so its no one I know.

I don't appreciate being watched and having tabs kept on me. Restraining orders aren't all that difficult to obtain. Just sayin.

Proud

2009-01-24T09:59:00.003-05:00

I am a proud mommy today.

Princess forgot her beloved blankie at her daddy's house yesterday. In over five years, she has not slept with out it.

Last night, she went into her suitcase and discovered the blankie wasn't there. She didn't even cry. And she went to bed without it. And went to sleep. Without tears for her blankie.

My little Princess is growing up.

Making Sense of Things

2009-01-24T01:12:00.004-05:00

I was reading a friend's blog post from over this past summer. Seems he was going through some personal changes. And it got me thinking. He speaks of an internal struggle with his ego and id. Gee. That sounds familiar.

There are times that I really wonder if all that I've been through these last months is worth it. I'm living apart from my children. I miss them horribly. I don't feel whole unless I'm with them. Its extremely difficult. One of the challenges of life.

To move on with accepting myself, I realize that I must sacrifice. I'm supposing that being apart from my children at this point is a big sacrifice. I wasn't myself for so long. I am now rediscovering who I am. I have also sacrificed the security I felt with my ex. I had a beautiful home. I rarely asked for anything (any material object was given to me without question). But it wasn't enough.

I sacrificed everything I have known for half my life. For what goal?

I often sit and reflect on the decisions that I have made. I made a decision to regain myself. To learn who I am. Who I was. I think I'm finding her. I'm a lot happier than I was this time last year. I feel more comfortable in my own skin. It's such a wonderful feeling to say, "I like this or that" and not feel you have to have acceptance from others. I feel as though I am becoming my own person. I'm becoming stronger day by day.

I know that I have a really good friend to thank for a lot of this. He reminded me that even though I am a mother, I am also me. I am pretty. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am funny. I am lovable. Etc., etc. I was so lost in being a mom and a wife that I had forgotten this. My friend, I am eternally grateful to you for this. I feel I shall never be able to repay you for the gift that you continually give me.

And then I left. Or rather, I was kicked out. But, I'm thankful for that now. I needed that kick in the ass. I wallowed in my sorrow for a few weeks. There was barely a day in which I didn't cry. Then I got a job. I started making my way. And then I met Finn.

In a lot of ways, Finn is like my friend. He pushes me to be me. To be more comfortable with myself. I can truly say that if I happen to stay home at night, all is right with the world. I can read, I can design, I can sew, I can hang with my online friends. And its all good. If I start to get down on myself, Finn makes me see that I'm being silly. He calls me smart. He calls me beautiful. We talk about everything and nothing. We laugh. We share. We've connected.

But, while I don't know where my relationship with Finn is going, I'm enjoying it while I can. In a relationship where two people have serious chronic illnesses, one never knows what will happen from day to day.

And that's another thing that I've really begun to accept. My Crohn's and depression and anxiety. There's not a whole lot I can do about the Crohn's. It's there. It's not going away. There is no cure. But what I can do is live with it. It is part of me. It is a part of who I am. As is the depression and anxiety. The dark cloud still threatens me from time to time, but I'm able to push it away. I haven't had a full on panic attack in a while. I feel as though the more in control I feel over my life, the more control I have on my illnesses.

I feel freer than I have in years. And I don't mean free from responsibility. I still have that. I have myself. I have my children. I mean free from the restraints that I placed on myself. Making myself into the person I thought I was supposed to be rather than the person that I am. I like sewing, dancing, singing, hanging out, my family, my friends, renn faires, short hair, tight jeans, music, reading, fantasy, sci-fi, astrology, cats, ghost stories (even sharing my own), computers, arcade games, Broadway shows, Rocky Horror, Disney. I could go on, but I believe I'll end this post here.

I will revisit this as I see fit. For now, I am searching for the next modification to mark this realization in my life. A branding? A piercing? I want something significant. Something lasting. Something to remind me of the sacrifices I've made and will continue to make in the quest that is life.

GUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-23T21:02:00.005-05:00

People are probably going to be sick of me by the end of tonight. I am absolutely gushing about Finn. I realized over the last couple of days that I am completely head over heels in like with him. I don't know that it's the other "L" word yet. Either that, or I'm in denial. Nah. I'm not in denial. No way.

Yes, I realize that I have issues with Finn. I'm not used to having a guy make me think for myself. And he frustrates me with his aloof attitude sometimes. But, now that I'm kinda letting my grip on our relationship go a little, I feel that much more relaxed with him. And I think he feels that too.

Last night, I went over and we watched movies. He practically insisted that I watch a Disney movie that I hadn't seen. It was hilarious and touching. And we cuddled the entire time. He made popcorn. We had coffee. He made smores. We cuddled. After two movies, we went to bed and cuddled. Then I had to leave for work at 7:15. And he made sad faces at me leaving. :(

He gave me the extra key to his place.

Oh.my.gawd.

I Don't Get It

2009-01-17T23:30:00.000-05:00

I received more papers along the road of my divorce. They pretty much trashed me. Even pondered my being bi-polar.

Funny thing? I think Xman may be as well.

Earlier this week, he was being nice to me. We were actually talking; discussing things; joking around. I don't know what I did now, but he has done a complete 180.

Our son is sick. I text at every opportunity I can to find out how he's doing. Its like trying to pull teeth getting the information from him. And then, its a problem if I only ask once a day how he's doing. I guess that he doesn't understand that Little Man and Princess are constantly on my mind. I guess I need to text him even when I'm not able to. I guess I need to risk losing my job to constantly text every time I think of my babies.

Fine. If he wants me to text, I will. There are even times I wake in the middle of the night and think of my babies. Even when they're not ill. Guess I'll text him then as well. I hope he's ready for the influx of texts that he's about to get.

Mobile Posting

2009-01-13T22:14:00.000-05:00

This is so messed up...I'm sitting at the bar, posting on my blog. Its open mic night, half-price everything (drinks, food). There's even raspberry lambic on tap!

I've almost finished my long island iced tea. I had an order of garlic cheese fries (yum!). And now I'm just hanging.

This is the place I usually hang with a bunch of people on Mondays for karaoke. There's a group of locals that all hang together. We have a lot of fun! My friend convinced me to come out tonight, luring me with the fact that he would treat me to a beer. It was either come out, or hang in the quietness of home. This is kind of nice.

I wish that there were a few other friends here, but that's next to impossible. The problem of having friends scattered all over the country.

But, I raise my glass to you all!

6 Random Facts

2009-01-13T15:15:00.003-05:00

I've been tagged to share six random facts about myself by the awesome Samaria Project (http://samariaproject.blogspot.com)

Rules:

Link to the person who tagged you
Post the rules on your blog
Write six random things about yourself
Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them
Let each person know they've been tagged

Well, here goes!

I love music. Of all kinds. Everything from classical and show tunes to heavy metal. I prefer listening to the music over watching TV.
I have no problem singing along with the radio in the shower, at work, in the car. When asked to go on stage and sing karaoke, I freeze. Even though I've performed on stage when younger.
I have three tattoos and seven piercings. I got my belly piercing at age 30 and my nose pierced at age 33. And, there's talk of more.
I quit smoking on July 14, 2008. I have not touched a cigarette since. In fact, being around a smoker makes me feel a little ill.
I still have my New England accent. Being originally from New Hampshire, I thought I had shed most of it by moving to Jersey. I was wrong. Don't talk to me when I'm upset or tired (or is that ty-ed?).
I am right handed, but I am able to write with both hands. Legibly.

Whew! That's not easy!

The next suckers, I mean people, will be:

http://rosebushdesigns.blogspot.com/
http://differentbrilliantcolors.blogspot.com/
http://kealalegacycreations.blogspot.com/
http://llorracanit.blogspot.com/
http://yoboseiyo.blogspot.com/
http://debbiemonster.blogspot.com/

*runs off to tell the unsuspecting suckers*

Raw

2009-01-11T07:54:00.002-05:00

Made it through the night. I took a couple sleeping pills so I was able to get a really good night sleep (note to self: get more sleeping pills).

I have so many issues to work through. The biggest one being that I need to let go of a relationship in order to keep it. I tend to cling very tightly to someone. Of course, I chalk this up to the fact that Xman had a way of making me feel as though I couldn't do anything without him. Now I'm seeing this wonderful man who makes me do things for myself. I never thought I'd have a hard time with this. I guess its because I actually have to think for myself.

For so long, I did whatever he wanted. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't all the time. There were occasions where we did what I wanted. But mostly, it was his ideas because he didn't think he enjoyed the things I did.

But now, with Finn, he's not really that into what I like, but he's willing to join me. He asks what I want to do. He makes me think. We have conversations. About everything. Movies, books, life. It's amazing. I didn't realize that I could have this with a partner. It happens with friends, but I don't think that I've ever had this with a partner.

Even though I have no idea where my relationship with Finn is going, I am enjoying what we have right now. I just hope that my craziness won't push him away.

And.....

2009-01-10T20:21:00.002-05:00

...it stopped snowing again.

...the roads are fine.

...I miss my babies.

...I really want some company.

...I should just take some sleeping pills and go to bed.

Whatthefuckever

2009-01-10T19:24:00.003-05:00

I hate this weather. Why couldn't it have snowed the 10 inches that they promised? There's barely enough snow out there to even shovel. I gave up seeing my kids for this. So what happens? I make plans with Finn. Well, he says the roads are shit by him - 5 miles away. Whatthefuckever.

When I woke up this morning, I expected to see a couple inches of snow. There was a dusting. I put a load of laundry in, laid down and vegged in front of the TV and waited for the washer to be done. It stopped snowing in the meantime. Half hour later, I put the clothes in the dryer. Still not snowing. I go back to bed. Woken up an hour later by a friend texting me. Still not snowing.

Where's this huge storm they predicted?

Then, to top it off, I get a text from Xman apologizing and saying guess I could've taken the kids considering the storm didn't pan out as expected. Yeah. Way to make a mom feel that much better.

So, I make plans for dinner and a movie at the house with Finn. He gets out of work, drives home to change and texts me to tell me that he's not going back out because he basically skated all the way home. I'm confused. Over here, the roads are fine. I had just gotten home not 45 minutes prior to his text. I was driving speed limit on the roads I was driving on. I feel like telling him that if he didn't want to come over tonight, he could've just told me. So I call him. And he tells me that the only person I have to blame for not seeing the kids is me. Because I had agreed to it.

And you know what would've happened if I had them? We would've gotten those 10 inches and I wouldn't have been able to drive them home Sunday morning. So, I think my gripe with the weather is properly routed.

And I just wasted the money on buying something to eat since there wasn't a whole lot in the house to have been able to even throw something together. Money I didn't have this week because my hours have been cut so drastically.

I was really looking forward to the company tonight. And I'm actually really upset. Of course, I told Finn I'd be fine. He feels bad enough for not coming over, he doesn't need to worry about me. So I told him I'd be fine. Of course. I always am. Tomorrow, when I see him at work, I'll have my smile on and everything will be peachy keen. As always. Because I am not allowed to be upset.

FINE = Fucked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional

Whatthefuckever.

Completely Random Thought

2009-01-08T02:02:00.000-05:00

I just remembered something that makes me realize what a great guy Finn is....

I remember trying to put a bracelet on. I was having trouble with the clasp. Without a word, he took the bracelet from me, wrapped it around my wrist and closed the clasp for me. And then kissed me. Without me asking for his help.

So, he knows how to say he's sorry and he helps put jewelry on and he's not skeevish about womanly issues.

*sigh*

Shedding

2009-01-06T05:38:00.001-05:00

When do you start shedding the ghosts of your past?

I am so accustomed to being a certain way to make people happy that I'm afraid to be anything else. I feel I should just clasp my hands together and bow. No spoken word, just do as I'm told. As its been for many years. I don't remember what its like not to have that.

When does this stop?

I want to bad to tell someone to fuck off or shut the hell up. I'm too afraid to say this, though. Why? What's the worst that happens? Someone gets mad at me? Well, there's something new. Why am I afraid of someone being angry at me?

I've grown so much over the past year. This is the one obstacle that I can't seem to overcome. And now it threatens what makes me happy. It threatens my present and future relationships. How can one relationship make a person feel this way? I don't understand.

I need these ghosts to go away and leave me be.

We Hold On

2009-01-01T23:32:00.004-05:00

How many times
Do we tire of all the little battles
Threaten to call it quits
Tempted to cut and run
How many times
Do we weather out the stormy evenings
Long to slam the front door
Drive away into the setting sun

Keep going on till dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

How many times
Do we chaff against the repetition
Straining against the faith
Measured out in coffee breaks
How many times
Do we swallow our ambition
Long to give up the same old way
Find another road to take

Keep holding on so long
Cause there's a chance that we might not be so wrong
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

How many times
Do we wonder if it's even worth it
There's got to be some other way
Way to get me through the day

Keep going on till dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on

Rush, "We Hold On", Snakes and Arrows, 2007

On Becoming a Caregiver

2009-01-01T21:34:00.003-05:00

I've been caring for my children for five years. But that's expected of a mom. I tended to Xman for 16 years. But, I wouldn't consider that being a "caregiver". No, what I am referring to is how one person takes care of an ill person.

Usually, I am the one having to be taken care of. Now, I don't normally allow someone else to take care of me. I'm a big girl, I can handle my illness. I just need that proverbial kick in the ass to keep myself well and in remission (which, knock wood, has been for a while now). I now have someone in my life who needs that kick at times.

Finn is diabetic. He is insulin dependent. If his sugars get low, he can go into seizures. Well, he had one of those the other morning. And it scared me. It scared me that all I could do was sit there and wait it out (I have since researched stuff I can do to help). I didn't panic. I stayed calm. But I hated that helpless feeling.

But, in a way, this is a good thing. I now understand what people feel when I'm sick. When there's nothing they can do to help the pain. How they have to sit back and watch as I cry because there's nothing left to do but cry. How they wish they could fix what was wrong.

I wish I could fix Finn's illness. I wish he didn't have to stick himself everyday, check his sugars every couple of hours, give himself shots. In my world, no one would be sick. I read updates to a friend's wife's illness. I see what he goes through. We give each other insight as to what the caregiver and ill one goes through. But, it's nothing like actually going through it.

And I wish that none of us had to go through this.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T21:29:00.002-05:00

Missed the ball dropping last night, but I did get to ring in the new year with a great guy. And, of course, texting and emailing friends from all over the world was awesome. I even got to drunk text my brother!

But seriously. I hope this year brings good cheer to all that I know. We deserve to have better. And this is our year for that.

Cheers.

2008 in Review

2008-12-30T17:26:00.003-05:00

*sigh*
What a year. What a crazy friggin year.

It started normal enough last January. Birthdays came and went. The first few months of the year sailed by. Then came April.

April is when my marriage started to unravel. Well, actually, it was before that, but that's when things took a turn for the much worse. We tried counseling. I tried to find the love I had had for him previously. It just wasn't there. I couldn't find it. September brought everything crashing down. He kicked me out. It was over.

In the meantime, I really started to find myself again. Who I was 16 years ago, only older and wiser. Well, older anyway. But, my creativity came back. But fun came back. My zest for life came back. I'm still shedding the cocoon, but its going away. And I'm really enjoying becoming a butterfly.

October brought a new job. November brought new friends. November brought Finn.

Now, as Christmas has come and gone, quietly slipping by not unlike any other day, I sit and reflect upon the changes. My kids have noticed that mommy's happier. I've noticed that I'm happier. Even at work, people have noticed a change from when I first started. My friends online have noticed the change. And some are so happy to be there to watch it. And you know what? I'm glad that they're there as well.

So, let's raise a glass to 2009. Here's to a new year! CHEERS!

On Being an Ass

2008-12-28T02:34:00.002-05:00

Finn apologized. Twice. Actually used the word sorry in one apology. I felt like an ass for thinking him a jerk. He's really not.

And then, at 12:30 am, I yelled at the Princess for not being asleep yet. She bawled her eyes out for that. So I sat at the kitchen table and bawled mine out.

Chalk the night up to being an ass. Biggest one possible. Seriously.

For some reason, I got a creative streak through all of this. This is what happened:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3143660906/, http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3143660904/, and http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3143660900/. I have no idea where that came from!

So, I should really try and sleep. Although I don't feel like it. I sleep like crap when not at Finn's.

*sigh*

A Venting

2008-12-27T23:46:00.004-05:00

Instead of a haunting, this is a venting.

Men suck.

Children that won't go to sleep suck.

Being bone tired sucks.

Yes, Finn is being a brat. He pissed me off before. Since he was having a bad day, I had called with the intention of making him feel better, and he chewed me out. And then hung up on me. And now, ignoring me. Sort of. I swear, if he were here, I would smack him upside the head. I don't need this shit. Seriously.

The Princess is refusing to go to sleep. Yes, it is almost midnight. Yes, she has been awake since 8:30 this morning. Yes, she has been complaining that she was tired all day. Why is she still awake?

And I'm exhausted. I want to go to bed. But, I can't before she does. And, I need to clean up before I go to bed. And, I need to find my bed, since Little Man is asleep on the one I use when they're here. So that means I have to clean up my room from them playing in there today. And I won't be able to sleep until I know things are cool between Finn and me.

Fuck this Saturday night. Fuck everything.

Santa Rides Again

2008-12-27T11:58:00.007-05:00

So, we told the kids that Santa visited last night because Mommy called him to tell him they wouldn't be here till the weekend. It worked. They bought it. And they opened gifts this morning. It was great. They also opened gifts from Santa last night. For those, we told them that Santa got my message late and came anyway. They bought that too. Amazing. Little kids are so gullible!

They loved everything that Santa got them. They both loved the hat and scarf that I made for them. Right now, they are quietly coloring and watching Spongebob. This is bliss. We're all still in our P.J.'s. I'm blogging and uploading pics while drinking coffee and they're playing with their new things. This is Christmas. This is what it's about.

In a little while, we're going to make cupcakes. Its kind of rainy and crappy outside and I'm sure we're all cookied out. Cupcakes should prove to be a nice change. We'll see how it goes.....

Merry Everything

2008-12-26T02:01:00.004-05:00

That should cover it. Solstice, Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, etc....

So, I had a nice, quiet Christmas day with Finn. I had made dinner last night, we had leftovers this morning and then he made breakfast for dinner tonight. I then came home to see my mom and her boyfriend for the holiday and to make the kids' gifts. Now, I'm just waiting to rinse my hair (I got some highlighting dye and this is the first chance I've gotten to do it). So, I'm chowing down on cookies that were sent by a realllllly good friend. And they're absolutely yummy!

Gifts made for this year: Finn's http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3134036398/, Princess' http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3137733728/ and Little Man's http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/3137734070/.

I am a bit upset at Xman this evening. What was a fine day otherwise, he had to ruin it with his snark. I had worked the overnight shift from Tuesday into Wednesday morning. Came home, got only about three hours of sleep. Needless to say, I was exhausted last night and slept all Christmas morning (which is probably some of the reason I'm awake now). I got a text saying that I must be too busy to wish the kids Merry Christmas. So, for the following hours, I tried to get a hold of him to no avail. I couldn't understand why he would give me shit and then torture me by ignoring me all day. This makes me nervous for tonight as they don't have day care today. He has yet to answer my two requests to where I am to pick them up.

Poor Finn got the pissy text from me. I was so ready to throw something or hit something. Instead, I text (I'm afraid to hit anything as I believe I fractured something in my hand last time I did just that). A few minutes after doing so, I felt bad and apologized. He told me that I can vent to him anytime. That meant so much to me.

Please tell me to stop eating cookies.

Anyway.

Time to rinse out my hair and go to bed. My brain is about mush. It's been an emotional day. This weekend should prove to lift my spirits at least.

Cookies!

2008-12-14T11:42:00.008-05:00

Well, the potty training experiment failed miserably yesterday. Two accidents within an hour. And he didn't care. We then went to get my hair cut and to pick up supplies to bake cookies, so I threw a diaper on him. We'll try again today. :)

We made cookies yesterday and this morning. So many friggin cookies. I promised some to work, some to Finn, plenty to go home with the kids and some to stay here for Mom. There are dozens of cookies everywhere. I have three bags full, a plate full for here and two plates for work.

Don't ask me why I baked so much. I just got started and couldn't stop. There's chocolate chip, chocolate with milk chocolate/white chocolate chips, sugar with colored nonpareils, and mini M&M's. And each of them is delicious in their own way.

Got the kiddos dressed. Means I get to do a load of laundry now. I also have a sewing project to get to. Tonight, I stop at Home Depot and pick up wire to make Finn's gift. I tried yesterday with some scrap wire I had (made my own rings). Came out really cool! On the top is a Celtic star and on the bottom is a Byzantine chain. The star I'm making for Finn will be bigger. Definitely. Those rings I made last night were tiny.

UPDATE: Within 10 minutes of placing big-boy undies on Little Man, he peed. Didn't even realize it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Growing Up

2008-12-13T10:38:00.003-05:00

My Little Man is wearing big-boy undies.

:-(

I'm very upset at this. He's my baby at 3. I only have two and he's it.

He's actually going to be 4 in a few months. Up until now, he has refused to potty train. It's not because he's not ready, it's because he knows that if he doesn't wear a diaper, he'll have to cease playing so he can go to the bathroom. To me, that's a pretty smart kid to have figured that out.

Thursday, when I picked them up for dinner, their day care person and I were discussing this. She suggested that I get Little Man some undies and just let him wear them. So, last night, we picked up some big-boy undies. I let him pick out what he wanted. And now he has them on. Been a half hour and so far, so good.

But, *sniff*, my Little Man is growing up.....

Made it Through

2008-12-12T22:28:00.002-05:00

Well, the snarkiness is gone. By yesterday morning, I felt much better. Maybe there's something in getting a good night's sleep. I had taken some sleeping pills Wednesday night, and then slept in a little bit on Thursday. Possibly that had something to do with it.

I am so happy. I have found a kindred spirit at work. We've been comparing our obsessive compulsive tendencies the past couple of days. We shared a snarky day on Wednesday. Its quite fun to know that I'm not alone in the nastiness nor the way that I tend to obsess over the stupidest things.

For instance, when I open a bag of M&M's, I have to sort them by color and then eat them from most of a color to least. Don't ask me why. And if someone happens by and steals one, they have to steal in order. Finn stole one out of order last night and I nearly had a heart attack. He laughed at me and then I laughed at myself. But seriously, this is a tragedy. Why does he not understand that M&M's need to be taken in order? Grrrrrrrrrrr.

And then, when I'm loading the dishwasher, silverware has to be grouped together. Forks need to live with other forks and spoons with other spoons, etc. If this does not happen, I will re-organize the dishwasher. Yes, folks, I will seriously rearrange the dirty silverware. Think about this one, though - it makes unloading that much easier because these items are already sorted! And the dishes, well, like dishes need to go together. Duh!

Making the bed? Covers have to be even on both sides. If they're not, the bed is messy and needs to be redone.

But, my friend at work understands this! We were discussing it again today. Finn overhead us and just shook his head. I love this! It makes me feel less like a freak! I mean, I'm a goof, but that I can live with. Being a freak is just odd. I've embraced being a nut. I've embraced being a goof. But, I just cannot embrace being a freak. And knowing I'm not the only one who tends to have obsessive compulsive tendencies means I am not a freak!

Every Other Month

2008-12-10T22:02:00.003-05:00

I don't usually like to discuss my womanly matters, but I feel the need to right now.

Every other month, I get really manic with my PMS symptoms. I mean, one minute, I'm crying and the next I'm hysterically laughing. Throw in there a bit psychotic and we're good to go!

I don't know where this stems from. I mean, it's not every month. It's every other. And it lasts for about 48 hours during the last seven days before things begin. Doesn't make any sense. During the months that this doesn't happen, I'm fine - you wouldn't even know that I was PMS-ing.

And tonight at work, we have the unsuspecting customer that has no idea the psycho he's about to encounter. The one who ordered three.slices.of.turkey. Yes, just three slices. And nothing else. I had the good sense not to laugh in the guy's face. Three slices...who does that?

And then I have Finn. Poor guy. He was with me last month during this time. It was a month that was normal. No symptoms. No psychosis. Heck, it was such a surprise for both of us! But, he took it in stride (comes from being raised by mom and having a sister), even went to my car and got my supplies that I keep there just in case. I was floored. And touched. And, well, you know...

But, tonight while at work, he heard and saw the full brunt of my Every Other Month. Granted, he was in the department next to mine, but he could see the muttering. He caught me off guard when I came back from using the bathroom (I actually went to cry for a minute). He saw my eyes and grew very concerned. So after that, he made it a point to make me laugh. When we were going to go punch out, he tickled me all the way down the aisle. Out the door, in fact. He got me laughing.

When we were outside saying good night, he kept asking me if I was going to be OK. Of course, this makes me tear up. I cannot say for certain why this happened (part of it is knowing that he's truly worried about me), but I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe it. I had to keep looking up at the sky to keep from crying! And here, I was worried about him because his sugar count was really low (he's diabetic). I am so not used to this!

So now I have a quiet night at home. A load of laundry is already in the dryer. I have made and eaten dinner. Having a slice of carrot cake now. Trying hard not to think about Finn because if I think of him, I start to miss him. I should just pack it in and go to bed...

Freaking Out

2008-12-09T00:53:00.003-05:00

I willingly volunteered my time at work tomorrow to receive two extra hours. I then accepted an invitation to finish watching a movie after I drop the kids off tomorrow night.

What was I thinking?

I have a cape to finish and a hoodie to finish. I'm hoping that this weekend will yield finished results so the hoodie will be mailed next Monday.

I also have two holiday gifts to make. One for Finn and one for the Elf. I need to order gifts for the kids. Wait, who am I kidding, I need to shop for them first! At least Mom is taken care of thanks to a trade with the Elf.

Why do I do this to myself? Every year, I go through the same thing. I mean, due to personal and financial circumstances, I had to put off the cape and hoodie until the last minute. But the gifts? I could've started those earlier. Oh, wait, who am I kidding? I just got the supplies for one a week ago and I just figured out today for the other.

Right now, I'm waiting for sleep to overtake my body. I'm tired, but I'm just not tired. Although, if I gave my brain a chance, I could probably sleep. I need to sleep. It's one o'clock in the morning. I need to get up in five hours for work. At least I was smart and packed a change of clothes already and laid out my uniform for work. So even if I get up at seven, I won't be too late!

*bangs head against the wall*

Holiday Season

2008-12-08T11:34:00.003-05:00

As I sit here, waiting for my car to cool down so I may change out the muffler on it (yes, I do the work on my own vehicle), I'm reflecting on the holiday season.

I stop and look around at my mother's house. Although it looks nice and homey and comfy, its too much. And I've told her this. She just has too much Christmas stuff. She insists on putting up every last little chotchke that she can find. Granted, a lot of the items have meaning (like all the snowmen), but it's still a lot of shit. I mean, it looks like Santa, Frosty and Rodolph threw up in the house. Gah! Even her musical clock has Christmas caroles playing!

And then, shopping. This is getting pathetic. I mean, Christmas in August? School hasn't even started! Someone actually got trampled on Black Friday this year. Hello? What is wrong with people? This is supposed to be a time for family and celebration - not killing someone in order to get the best price on a material item!

What happened to enjoying spending time with your family and friends? When did the holidays become all about what Santa brought you? Or who got the bigger iPod? Or your gifts are better than mine? Even my kids, who are 5 and 3, they want everything that they see on TV!

Why can't it be just simple?

I'm not asking for a lot. All I'm asking for is that we give a simple token of our love for each other. It could even be handmade. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money, just so long as it was from the heart. A simple meal with loved ones gathered around. What is wrong with that?

Believe it or not, I'm not fighting Xman for the kids for Christmas. I'm not. I'll have them for that weekend. I want to teach them that Christmas is not about the getting, it's about love and loved ones. I want to be able to teach them that being around family is better than any material gift you may receive.

Is this even possible in this day and age?

I'm Bored

2008-11-29T20:11:00.004-05:00

So I'm Googling images of my favorite Lord of the Rings character. As portrayed by Orlando Bloom. I don't know what it is, but he is so friggin hot in this movie. Maybe because I love elves and fairies and such. Although, I do remember from reading the books that I was particular to Frodo for some reason.

But after seeing the trilogy......

It's Legolas all the way. Mmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Yummy.

Little Man

2008-11-29T18:03:00.002-05:00

My Little Man is going to be the class clown. I can tell this already. Two things he did just today that proves this:

1) We had to go to the grocery store to pick up the fixings for turkey soup (sort of like stone soup, but without the stones). Of course, we went to the store that I work at. We ran into people I know. One of my friends was talking to me and proceeded to call me a goof. Little Man overheard this, turned to his sister and promptly called her a goof. I cracked up and zoomed them around in their car cart.

2) Just now, I am listening to a random mix of music on the laptop. "When I See You Smile" by Bad English played. One the first verse of the song, Little Man proceeds to sing along after the fact, like an echo. This.is.just.awesome.

I do apologize, but I just had to write that down so it wasn't forgotten somewhere in the vast space that is my brain. :)

Weekend

2008-11-29T09:08:00.003-05:00

I've got my babies this weekend. They're finally feeling better. I'm still fighting, but it's pretty much my voice that I've been fighting with.

We're going grocery shopping today. Woo hoo. Just what I want to do...spend time at the store when I don't have to work. Then I think I'll take them over to Goodwill. The Princess has been weaning off her blankie and I want to get her a little something for doing so well.

Tomorrow, while it's snowing and raining, we will make turkey soup. With veggies and barley and rice. And there will be more than enough to share with the people I care about. Everyone could use some homemade turkey soup this time of year!

Right now, Little Man and I are enjoying a bowl of Raisin Bran and watching Spongebob. The Princess is still sleeping, but I'll be getting her up soon enough. I like to enjoy this time with my Little Man. He and I don't get time with each other much at all. So, Spongebob and cereal mornings are perfect!

New Friends

2008-11-29T00:32:00.006-05:00

I ended up hanging with a new friend for Thanksgiving. Well, actually, we went out the night before (got a pretty healthy buzz going), I had to work Thanksgiving morning and then he came over for turkey. He helped me fix dinner - wouldn't let me say no if I tried. In fact, I did try, but he just wouldn't sit and stay still. He even contributed a dish to the meal!

I sliced the middle finger on my left hand pretty good while cutting the yams. Finn followed me down the hall to the bathroom where I had immediately stuck my hand under cold running water. He then went back to the kitchen and promptly grabbed a paper towel. After evaluating the cut and determining that it was not quite bad enough for a trip to the ER, he had me wrap my finger with the towel and told me to put constant pressure on it and hold it above my head. He then walked with me back to the kitchen where he told me to sit for 15 minutes while he continued to prepare the yams (he had already sliced the potatoes). He would not let me move for the entire 15 minutes and kept checking my finger for blood loss.

He took care of me! :D

Oh, and the finger is sore, but fine. No stitches were needed. Just a band-aid to keep the cut closed; without the bandage, it keeps getting pulled open.

Yes, we have been spending quite a bit of time together. Hence the reason I am no longer on line much anymore. Hence the lack of posting to my diary. But, I'm happy. He makes me happy. He challenges me. And I like that.

What else do I like? The fact that when we're at work together, I will look over at him and catch him looking at me. And rather than shy away, he'll catch my gaze back and smile. If he's in a different department, he'll make a point to come where I am and say good bye when his shift is over.

We share a lot of interests, but have enough that we're different. But, he's artistic and creative and interesting. I find myself intrigued by him. He tells me a lot, but there's so many layers to him that I've only begun to scratch the surface.

He concerns himself with my needs and feelings. I'm not used to this. We go out. In public. Every week. And yet, we can have just as much fun just staying in and watching a DVD. We make each other laugh.

I didn't expect this. I didn't start my job looking to start to care about someone. I expected to meet people, maybe hang out. But finding one person in particular? And so soon? Never thought it would happen. But, I'm not questioning it. I'm taking each day as it happens.

And if each of those days can be happy, well, all the better. :P

Waiting

2008-11-26T08:12:00.002-05:00

Things are going well right now. I've met a wonderful new friend. I'm picking up all kinds of hours at work. Mom and I have struck an agreement with my living situation (rent makes things so much better). Kids are feeling better and are doing wonderful. And there's this strange feeling I have....

I'm happy.

When is this going to implode?

I swear. I'm not allowed to feel this happy. Something is going to happen. Something is lurking around the corner and waiting to kill my happiness.

Why do I do this to myself? Why don't I feel I deserve this happiness?

Dammit. One day at a time. I deserve this.

Decisions

2008-11-20T10:45:00.004-05:00

It's so hard to make a decision that involves your children.

I am faced with the dilemma today of visiting with them tonight or letting them go home with Xman to rest. The Princess has been very sick this week. I had to take her to the doctor on Monday. Little Man was sick the week before. I am now getting whatever it is that they've had.

Question is, though, do I pick them up and take them out to McDonald's tonight? Do they really need to be running around on the playground?

I have nothing else going on. If I don't pick them up, I'm coming home from work and having a date with my book and bed. Maybe, possibly, quite later, hanging at a friend's for the final installment of Lord of the Rings. But I would do that regardless of whether I have the kids or not.

My mind says that I should just let them go to Xman's house for rest and that I'll see them next week when we're all better. My heart is telling me that I need to see them. Because I miss them horribly. But, then my mind tells my heart that I'm being selfish. That they need rest to get better.

This really sucks.

So Excited

2008-11-17T11:10:00.003-05:00

My friend Catherine is coming up from West Chester to spend the day with me in New Hope! I'm meeting her at Starbucks and then we're going to browse the great little artsy shops there.

New Hope is such an awesome, quirky little town. You can pretty much do anything; be anybody and you're accepted. This is why it's awesome.

If I could afford it, I'd live there permantly. But, I'll live with visiting and hanging. Which, I'll be doing today and tonight!

I Just Cut My Own Hair

2008-11-16T12:03:00.002-05:00

I got so sick of it being in my face and not wanting to do anything when I try to style it.

So, I wet it, combed it, pulled it in random lengths from my head and......

SNIP!

And, if I do say so myself, it doesn't look horrible. :)

I Don't Get It

2008-11-16T10:36:00.002-05:00

Why do pharmaceutical companies think that making a product that counteracts what it's for so effectively that it puts you to sleep is OK?

I have vertigo. The meds for it is meclizine which is Dramamine. I take the dose I'm supposed to and next thing I know, it's two hours later! I mean, what happened to being able to function?! I wanted something to stop the dizzy feelings, not knock me the heck out!

I can be at work and doze off standing up. I fall asleep eating dinner.

I'm starting to think I have a sleeping disorder!

No amount of caffeine fixes this. I've tried. It does make me a cheap date, though...one drink/beer and I'm already buzzed!

Makes concentration next to impossible. All I can think of is sleeping. Where, when. It totally bites. Especially during this time of year...my busiest. Even without the orders, I'm super busy with making gifts. On the plus side, gifts have been pared down to less than half this year. Just the kids, my mom and a couple of friends. That's it.

So, while I type this babble nonsense, I'm thinking about how I can get away with sleeping another hour....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Scarification

2008-11-16T00:24:00.002-05:00

http://www.bmezine.com/scar/scar-faq.html

A guy that I work with (and have gone out with a couple of times now) has brandings. They are symbols with different meanings. I don't know what meanings they are yet, but I will find out over time.

I have never met someone who has had this done. Generally, my friends have had tattoos and/or piercings. I, myself, have five tattoos and eight piercings (including my ears). I am itching for another tattoo and have started thinking about another piercing. And now my curiosity is piqued regarding branding.

I understand that throughout history, it has been used in a variety of situations from slaves to fraternities. The Nazis used it in the camps. But, it is also a legitimate form of voluntary body modification and self-expression. There are several techniques for scarification, but the one I'm interested in learning about is branding. This is the one done with heating up a metal shape and burning it into your skin.

To me, this does not sound comfortable.

But, then again, piercings and tattoos aren't exactly a walk in the park. And I'm getting more of them done.

I guess that like any other form of body modification, branding has special meaning for each symbol or picture. I know my tats have special meaning for me. Each one its own story. I'm sure that branding or cutting is the same.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to run out and get branded. Um....no thanks. But, for the sake of my new friend, I'd like to learn more about this.

If nothing else, I'll be more educated!

Five Year Olds

2008-11-15T15:14:00.003-05:00

Fighting with your five year old is so much fun. Especially when they're not feeling well.

I didn't realize it would take two hours to get ready to go to the store for milk.

I shut the TV. I made them clean up their toys (the five year old and her three year old brother). Neither did any good.

She wanted me to get her dressed. Um, what? She's been dressing herself since she was two.

Take some ibuprofen? I had to pour it down her throat. She had a little fever and needed it.

I'm not doing to hot today and this is just the icing on the cake. I'm tired beyond belief and I've had to take medicine of my own for my head spinning. They're fighting. And whining. And I hate weekends like this. I don't get a whole lot of time with them and its weekends like this that make me feel horrible.

Week Ending 11.15.08

2008-11-15T10:00:00.004-05:00

*sigh*

So busy this week! Between working and hanging with new friends, I've barely had time to keep up with the old! Telephone seems to be the new favored mode of communication rather than convos or the thread. I don't mind. It is nice to put voices to the people after all this time.

I'm feeling better as far as the vertigo goes. I have gone through my prescription meds and am now just purchasing Dramamine over the counter. Of course, I have to take a higher dose because it's not prescription, but it does work. Makes me very sleepy, though. But, at least I'm not falling over! :)

I did add two new listings to the shop this week:

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=17131482

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=17349878

One of the pictures for the hoodie is for a special treasury. VickiDianeDesigns creates treasuries that show the person behind the art. And then, the picture, of course. I'm slowly adding pictures to my shop. I have so many, that it seems as though I have an endless supply of inventory!

Things are busy right now. I finished one custom order and have three more to do. Today, I'll be taking the kids shopping for fabric (of course, I promised the Princess she could pick out fabric for her holiday dress). I have to make a hoodie, a tank top and a cape. The tank top needs to be completed first and then the other two. And I still have to create things for Christmas for my own gifts! I have ideas for some people (and Mom's present is in creation, but I'm not making that), but I have no idea what to get for others. I hate this time of year.

Work is going well. I'm fitting right in with my department. The work isn't so bad and the people are great that I work with. Well, most anyway, but that's normal. We laugh a lot, which is good. It makes the day go faster. I'm still looking for more stable full-time work, but in the meantime, this isn't bad. I'll probably even stay on after I find a full-time job.

That's about it. My life is busy, but I don't have a whole lot of happenings. Is that sad or what?

New Section

2008-11-06T15:15:00.001-05:00

I've a new section in my shop. To which, I have added two listings. This is new for me. I'm nervous about this new venture, but excited as well.

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6223513&section_id=5726182

Come on over and visit me!

Picture for Poll

2008-11-06T15:00:00.001-05:00

I'm running a blog poll. This is the picture for it.

Photographs

2008-11-05T18:51:00.009-05:00

At the urging of a good friend, I have decided to try and sell prints of the pictures I take while out on my runs.

I'm a bit nervous about this.

Although I enjoy sharing my photos on Flickr, it's a whole other ballgame to try and sell what you love. I felt this same way the first time I sold one of my halters.

These are the first four I'm going to start with. The upper left was taken in Lambertville, NJ, of the bridge going in to New Hope, PA. The upper right was just outside Stockton, NJ, and shows the tow path bridge and Route 29 bridge. Lower left is in Centre Bridge, PA, under the bridge to Stockton, NJ. And the bottom right was taken in North East, MD, at the community park on a visit at the beginning of September.

I will offer different print sizes and have them printed professionally (obviously, the watermark will not be printed.

What do you think of this start?

Finished!

2008-11-02T16:25:00.003-05:00

What should've taken me no more than two days to finish has taken me over two weeks! Darn this vertigo!

But, it's done, and I like it! Haven't taken "formal" listing pictures yet, but here's what I have for viewing:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2996039603/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2996039599/

Hope you like!

Thoughts While Waiting for the Dryer

2008-11-01T12:45:00.003-04:00

Waiting for the dryer to dry my pants that I want to wear. Oh, and the hoodie too. Need to go to Walmart (yes, I shop here. So shoot me.) and then I'd like to go for a short run. But that's only because I haven't been all week. And I'm feeling blah from eating and not being active.

These pills are kicking my ass up one side and down the other. Bonus? I'm not falling down. The con? I'm falling asleep while standing. Guess one can't have everything.

Trick or treating last night was fun. The kids looked great! Princess' costume looked beautiful on her and fit her really well. Little Man looked adorable as a punkin. I picked them up from day care and brought them back to the house. I changed my shoes for my boots (I dressed up, too) and grabbed my cape. Got make up on Princess (she wanted glitter) and Little Man (green for the punkin stem) and away we went. X-Man drove his truck down into town. And we walked around together. The kids made out like bandits! The great thing about going later is that everyone is so exhausted that you get even more candy! Mommy got some too!

Here's a pic of the three of us: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cynfulfishy/2991010060/.

After we got done with trick or treating, X-Man took me and the kids to Friendly's. Poor Princess, though. She's had a cough for a couple of days. Last night, it was bad (guess the chilly weather did her in). Well, she ate dinner, had a cup of strawberry milk and started coughing. Next thing we know, she's throwing up. Everywhere. I felt bad for her. I felt bad for the other patrons in the restaurant. We were able to get her cleaned up. Got her costume off (poor thing, got it all over her). We apologized profusely and quickly left. She made it home (thank goodness the restaurant is only a few minutes away). I helped get her and Little Man changed for bed. And then it was home for bed for Mommy too.

So, now, my dryer is done. I'm going to put pants on and go shopping and do something to make me feel less fat. I'll try to get my ass running. Hopefully.

And A Final Wednesday Thought.....

2008-10-29T22:07:00.000-04:00

I'm still not smoking.

Stoooooopid Medicine

2008-10-29T21:49:00.003-04:00

I fully blame my medicine for that last post.

Well, not completely.

I am having an issue day. Issues with everything. The medicine only compounded that.

Right now, I'm up. I had to take two more pills. The house started to spin on its axis again. I fought with the decision for a good hour, knowing that in just a few short hours of taking the pills, I would be crashing. I decided that I needed to be steady. I don't like falling over. Plus, I'm so close to finishing Princess' costume. All I have to do is put the zipper in and sew a hook-and-eye at the neck. Then it'll just need a washing.

Now. My head is in the clouds. I don't know that I can concentrate on the zipper. Its an invisible sipper and that takes some form of brain power. I don't put those in all that often, so each one is a little challenge unmedicated. Imagine medicated.

So, I should probably finish it before the pills completely blow my brain.

I Want to Cry

2008-10-29T16:38:00.003-04:00

Ever have one of those days where everything seems to have gone wrong? Well, today is one of them.

Having issues with the ex. Having issues with a friend. Having issues with my health. Having issues with finances. And all of this is taking its toll on me.

I've got issues.

I just want to run away. Seriously. Or just go to sleep for a really long time. And when I wake up, this nightmare that my head and heart is going through is over.

Benign Positional Vertigo

2008-10-29T13:04:00.002-04:00

In other words, dizzy spells.

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/MEDLINEPLUS/ency/article/001420.htm

So, now I have a fancy name for what ails my spinning head. Thank goodness. I was beginning to think I was crazy.

At least I got good meds. I think. Doc prescribed meclizine. This is pretty much prescription Dramamine. I've been on it before for migraines (I get dizzy about 24 hours before a migraine. Some people get auras, I get dizzy.), but never vertigo.

So, I get a few more days off from work. No working the slicer. Doc doesn't really want me driving either. But, I should be able to figure out what dosage works for me by tomorrow and be able to see my babies tomorrow night. I have to. The Princess needs her costume!

OK, Not What I Thought

2008-10-29T08:21:00.002-04:00

I thought I had a sinus thing going on. I don't. I'm slightly snuffly, but not enough to cause the dizziness that I'm experiencing. Today is day four.

Today, we call the doctor.

I haven't worked since Sunday. Can't operate a slicer when you feel as though the floor is coming up from underneath you. I didn't see my kids last night (that was a combination of feeling horrible and the weather - it was snowing and slippery). This is really messing with me.

I can be fine. And then, WHAM! I'm practically falling over! Yesterday, I had to pee. So, I go in the bathroom and sit down on the toilet. All of a sudden, it felt as though the toilet was leaning over! No, it was me! I almost hit my head on the sink. Instead, I kind of flopped forward and was able to put my hand on the wall to steady myself (small bathroom). I finished what I had to finish, said "fuck this" and went back to bed.

But, even in bed, I'm not safe. Already this morning, the room has spun. And I've been laying down the whole time. Well, not the whole time, I did make coffee and feed the cat. Even doing those two menial jobs, the room spins. Hell, it's spinning right now. I'm laying in bed.

This is not cool.

Maybe if I drink, it'll get better.

UGH.

2008-10-27T09:52:00.004-04:00

Not to whine, but....OK, just a little whining to get this off my chest.

I HATE BEING SICK.

I have a combination of a minor flare and a head cold. I knew the sinus thing was coming. Yesterday, while at work, I was really dizzy and my head felt fuzzy inside. The flare, I could feel too as I felt crampy and that I wanted to throw up.

So, although I just started my job, I had to call out today. I don't need to be cutting meat while trying to choke down the puke and dripping snot.

So, today, I'm having a private pity me party. I'm cursing my body for failing me, once again. Why does my body hate itself so much? I just don't understand. And then, a sinus headache and sore throat on top of the bloatedness and pain? What the hell have I done wrong?

I know. I know. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger, right? But, why does life have to bring us to the brink and then slowly draw us back?

Bleh. I'm going back to bed.

Boar's Head Reuben

2008-10-25T10:31:00.005-04:00

First post about food. And why shouldn't I post about food? We all have to have food of some kind. Personally, I'm a meat and potatoes kind of gal. Steak? Yes. Lobster? Yes. Fish? Yes. Venison? Yes. But, that picture up there? That has to be one of my top favorite foods to eat. A simple Reuben sandwich.

This one is a bit different than others I've had. Because it's made at a grocery store (the one I work at...I cut the meat and cheese and assemble these), sauerkraut can't be used because the bread would soak it up and be all gross. These are the ingredients used:

Boar's Head corned beef
Boar's Head Swiss cheese
leaf lettuce
tomato slices
cole slaw
1,000 island dressing
pretzel roll

Now, just the Boar's Head stuff alone is enough to make the taste buds water. But, add the other ingredients, and you've got a party in your mouth!

This was the first I had had of a Reuben that was made with cole slaw. And I must tell you that I was a bit apprehensive. But, one bite and that apprehension was gone! It flew right out the window! The slaw that they used yesterday morning for this sandwich had just the right amount of bite to it. I was very impressed.

I'm not saying that this is hands down, the best Reuben I've had (which it's not, by far), but it is an eatable one. I would definitely have another. And maybe another after that....